An announcer voice announced in an uncaring monotone voice "This is the 4:29 pm Action News with anchors Sarah Andrews and Mike McKenzie, the only news program in ... you know what, nobody cares, we don't have any viewers, this was supposed to be an internship. Now my life is ruined forever. No one will hire me because I worked for this sinking boat of a show.. I hate my life."
Mike sat at the news desk looking excitedly at the camera. "Welcome to the 4:29 Action News. Standing in for Sarah today because she's come down with a bad case of being arrested, is the KillTron 5000.
"EXTERMINATE ALL LIFE!"
Mike laughed. "You're such a kidder KillTron, and might I add you're way more pleasant then Sarah ever was. I feel safe around you even."
"LOADING WEAPONS SYSTEMS!"
Mike continued "On to our first story, all across the state today, hunters were lining up to pick up their hunting licenses for the opening of this years Velociraptor Hunting Season. Remote Correspondent Elwood Belford has the story, Elwood?"
"Yes, thank you Mike. As you can see, I'm standing on the edge of the woods here and there seems to be a steady stream of hunters showing up for this season's hunt. As of yet, I have not seen any hunters return, and coupled with occasional screams, no doubt of joy of the hunt, it must be quite a party in there."
Mike asked from back in the studio "Don't you think this sport is a little one sided?"
"See some people thought so, which is why an activist group was out here earlier with boxes of laser rifles. They were planning to hand out the rifles to the velociraptors so the raptors could defend themselves. Strangely enough, they haven't returned either."
Mike cut in "No, it was already in the favor of the raptors, now they're potentially armed with laser rifles."
Elwood smiled. "I'm sure there's nothing to be concerned with."
Mike pointed at the monitor he was watching Elwood on. "Wait isn't that a raptor sticking its head out of the forest behind you?"
"What, where?" Before he could turn around, Elwood was hit by a laser pulse in the back. The raptor then took aim at the camera firing again. The camera signal was replaced by static.
All Mike could respond was "Uh OK, we're having some technical difficulty. As soon as we can re-establish a connection, we'll have the rest of the report from Elwood. ".
Killtron 5000 added "ELWOOD HAS BEEN TERMINATED........ENGAGING LAUGH SEQUENCE...... HA HA HA.......HA HA HA....HA HA HA... LAUGH SEQUENCE TERMINATED..............LIKE YOUR MOM.........
ENGAGING LAUGH SEQUENCE...... HA HA HA.......HA HA HA....HA HA HA... LAUGH SEQUENCE TERMINATED..........LIKE ALL LIFE SHOULD BE"
"You leave mom out of this. Concerning business news, the local university IT department has accepted a merger with a company called the Galactic Empire for a collaborative project called the PBU Initiative. More on this story, we have remote correspondent ... actually I don't remember his name. He's expendable and probably not going to last the next set of layoffs. Since he is pretty much unimportant, I'll call him Ed. Ed what's the story."
"My name is Travis. You know I can hear everything you're saying. I have feelings to, and the economy can turn around any day now. I should be just as much a valued member of.."
Mike cut in "Yeah, how about less 'wah wah wah' and more story Ed"
Travis got really flustered. "It's Travis. I'm here at the university talking with Zane, a member of the IT department involved in the merger. Tell us how all of this affecting you and your job."
"Well for starters, the Galactic Empire offers just an excellent health care benefits package, significantly more awesome then the one the university was offering. We're allowed to do obviously unsafe things and still be covered if we get hurt."
Travis continued "And can you say anything about this initiative that you'll be assisting with, PB and J or something?"
Zane nodded at Travis. "Yeah its actually PBU and we're working on developing the IT infrastructure for a giant planet destroying satellite that will float around the galaxy, well destroying planets. I've been assigned to the help desk call center for the Planet Blower Upper. And where as answering phone calls usually isn't very much fun, I anticipate the number of customers calling in to say that their planet hasn't been blown up properly are hopefully going to be minimal."
"Aren't you worried about the ethics of destroying life on planet after planet as you travel the galaxy in your ultimate weapon?" Travis asked next.
Zane smiled. "For that question, I'll have to yield to my supervisor. Emperor?"
The emperor walked over to where Zane and Travis were standing. "Answer me this first, news person, are you paid by the hour?"
Travis answered "Yes, I don't see how that's relevant."
The emperor smiled. "Heh...heh...heh, young apprentice Darth Zane, Strike Him Down! Heh...heh...heh!" Travis dropped his mic and started to run away. Zane activated his energy saber and gave chase. The emperor turned towards the camera. "Back to you...heh...heh...heh." He then zapped the camera with lightening from his fingers dropping the signal to all static."
Mike added "Thanks Ed for that great story. We look forward to seeing how this merger will pan out. I think that about does it for news around here. Killtron, have you got anything else to add?"
"KILLTRON MUST DESTROY RAPTORS!"
Mike chuckled. "You need a license to hunt those things."
"KILLTRON HAS LICENSE ALREADY. LEAVING NOW, TRANSMISSION TERMINATED!" Killtron then fired it's eye laser beams at the main camera ending the broadcast.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Chapter 40: A New Hope
"Why is it you're going in to work early today?" Nikki asked as Ethan drove.
He responded "They've called a general IT Staff meeting to discuss some important changes. With the recent significant downturn in the economy, I expect there to be significant budget cut discussions. Maybe we'll have to start rationing air to save money."
"How would that even work?"
Ethan thought for a second. "I would imagine that we'd be issued diving gear and allocated an air tank every certain number of hours."
"Ah but everyone knows you can't wear air tanks before Labor Day. You'd be committing like one of the ultimate fashion faux pas."
Ethan nodded. "I know, but you know how things go, they don't consider those sorts of concerns. Well we're almost there, I'm going to need you to stay out of trouble while I'm at the meeting. You think you can find something to do?"
Nikki smirked. "I think I'll manage."
Ethan parked the car near one of the campus buildings and hurried in to catch the beginning of the meeting. People were still getting drinks and cookies from the back table when the CIO stepped out in front. "Welcome everyone, please grab what you need from the back and have a seat."
No sooner did he finish saying that, one of the guys that works in networking walked back and pulled the table cloth out from underneath all the snacks and stuff it in his jacket. Another guy pulled the blinds off the wall and piled them on top of his briefcase. At least another two people picked up a chair and walked out with them. Ethan commented to the person next to him "Times really are getting tough, aren't they?"
After the room had settled down once again, the CIO continued. "As you know, we've been targeted by budget cut after budget cut from the state government because apparently they've caught wind of our no learning policy. We looked at the possibility of cutting some jobs but we're really interested in keeping as much of our staff as we can. As a result, we in the leadership committee decided alternative sources of income would be preferable. We've decided the best course of action would be a merger with another company that is still seeing profits and development opportunities even in these oppresive times."
He took a moment to let things sink in before continuing. "Effective immediately, we'll be merging with a company called the Galactic Empire and providing IT installation and support on their flagship project, the PBU Initiative. Here to tell you more is the director from GE in charge of the PBU Initiative, Dr. Vader." The CIO walked over to a boom box by the door and hit play before opening the double doors.
Ominous march music eminated from the boombox as the room was filled with people in white plastic suits of armor with funny looking helmets. Then a man dressed in an all black business suit entered the room. He too is wearing a funny helmet, but also has a pair of glasses on over top the helmet.
"Krzzt, Thank you krzzt. We're attempting to build a krzzt sattelite shaped like a giant eyeball. Initial designs krzzt included it having the ability to blink and the pupil would dilate in krzzt the dark, but some of those really neat features krzzt had to be scrapped due to a budgeting snafu. This sattelitte, called the Planet Blower Upper krzzt would bring peace and harmony to the galaxy and certainly not involve krzzt anything sinister or evil. Thanks Mr. CIO for giving me the opportunity to krzzt speak to all the new members of the team, which is what we all are, krzzt one big team. Remember my door is always open and the chances I'll krzzt strangle you to death with my mind are minimal at best krzzt."
The CIO steps back up to the front. "Thank you for your presentation Dr. Vader, we have such hopes that this merger and the PBU Initiative will be a sucess. That reminds me of another policy change effective immediately, my title will be changing from Chief Information Officier to the Emperor." He then pulled a hood up over his head concealing a good portion of his face. "Two more things on the agenda, heh.. heh.. heh, each of you should take a standard issue energy saber from the buckets near the door. Heh.. heh.. heh, and concerning the meeting with library leadership later today, heh.. heh.. heh. Strike them down ..... All of them ...... heh.. heh.. heh. "
The emperor then started to shoot lightening from his fingers at one of the hourly employees in the front row. The meeting dispersed, leaving just Ethan, the Emperor, a charred hourly employee and a couple of other stragglers. Ethan walked up to the Emperor and asked "How did you shoot the lightning?"
He responded "Static electricity I've been building up for weeks heh.. heh.. heh. You show much promise in you Ethan, heh.. heh.. heh.. strike down an hourly employee and take your rightful place at my side as my new apprentice."
Ethan smiled. "I may just do that, but maybe later. I've got to get over to the lab to start my shift."
The emperor laughed. "Heh.. heh.. heh.. I can sense the IT flowing through you is strong, remember my offer.. heh heh heh. Now go and do my bidding."
Ethan left the meeting room to head off to the lab. On the way Nikki caught up. "How did your meeting go?"
"It was alright. They were giving out these things as door prizes, some sort of energy saber. But would you believe it? One of the more uneventful staff meetings this year."
He responded "They've called a general IT Staff meeting to discuss some important changes. With the recent significant downturn in the economy, I expect there to be significant budget cut discussions. Maybe we'll have to start rationing air to save money."
"How would that even work?"
Ethan thought for a second. "I would imagine that we'd be issued diving gear and allocated an air tank every certain number of hours."
"Ah but everyone knows you can't wear air tanks before Labor Day. You'd be committing like one of the ultimate fashion faux pas."
Ethan nodded. "I know, but you know how things go, they don't consider those sorts of concerns. Well we're almost there, I'm going to need you to stay out of trouble while I'm at the meeting. You think you can find something to do?"
Nikki smirked. "I think I'll manage."
Ethan parked the car near one of the campus buildings and hurried in to catch the beginning of the meeting. People were still getting drinks and cookies from the back table when the CIO stepped out in front. "Welcome everyone, please grab what you need from the back and have a seat."
No sooner did he finish saying that, one of the guys that works in networking walked back and pulled the table cloth out from underneath all the snacks and stuff it in his jacket. Another guy pulled the blinds off the wall and piled them on top of his briefcase. At least another two people picked up a chair and walked out with them. Ethan commented to the person next to him "Times really are getting tough, aren't they?"
After the room had settled down once again, the CIO continued. "As you know, we've been targeted by budget cut after budget cut from the state government because apparently they've caught wind of our no learning policy. We looked at the possibility of cutting some jobs but we're really interested in keeping as much of our staff as we can. As a result, we in the leadership committee decided alternative sources of income would be preferable. We've decided the best course of action would be a merger with another company that is still seeing profits and development opportunities even in these oppresive times."
He took a moment to let things sink in before continuing. "Effective immediately, we'll be merging with a company called the Galactic Empire and providing IT installation and support on their flagship project, the PBU Initiative. Here to tell you more is the director from GE in charge of the PBU Initiative, Dr. Vader." The CIO walked over to a boom box by the door and hit play before opening the double doors.
Ominous march music eminated from the boombox as the room was filled with people in white plastic suits of armor with funny looking helmets. Then a man dressed in an all black business suit entered the room. He too is wearing a funny helmet, but also has a pair of glasses on over top the helmet.
"Krzzt, Thank you krzzt. We're attempting to build a krzzt sattelite shaped like a giant eyeball. Initial designs krzzt included it having the ability to blink and the pupil would dilate in krzzt the dark, but some of those really neat features krzzt had to be scrapped due to a budgeting snafu. This sattelitte, called the Planet Blower Upper krzzt would bring peace and harmony to the galaxy and certainly not involve krzzt anything sinister or evil. Thanks Mr. CIO for giving me the opportunity to krzzt speak to all the new members of the team, which is what we all are, krzzt one big team. Remember my door is always open and the chances I'll krzzt strangle you to death with my mind are minimal at best krzzt."
The CIO steps back up to the front. "Thank you for your presentation Dr. Vader, we have such hopes that this merger and the PBU Initiative will be a sucess. That reminds me of another policy change effective immediately, my title will be changing from Chief Information Officier to the Emperor." He then pulled a hood up over his head concealing a good portion of his face. "Two more things on the agenda, heh.. heh.. heh, each of you should take a standard issue energy saber from the buckets near the door. Heh.. heh.. heh, and concerning the meeting with library leadership later today, heh.. heh.. heh. Strike them down ..... All of them ...... heh.. heh.. heh. "
The emperor then started to shoot lightening from his fingers at one of the hourly employees in the front row. The meeting dispersed, leaving just Ethan, the Emperor, a charred hourly employee and a couple of other stragglers. Ethan walked up to the Emperor and asked "How did you shoot the lightning?"
He responded "Static electricity I've been building up for weeks heh.. heh.. heh. You show much promise in you Ethan, heh.. heh.. heh.. strike down an hourly employee and take your rightful place at my side as my new apprentice."
Ethan smiled. "I may just do that, but maybe later. I've got to get over to the lab to start my shift."
The emperor laughed. "Heh.. heh.. heh.. I can sense the IT flowing through you is strong, remember my offer.. heh heh heh. Now go and do my bidding."
Ethan left the meeting room to head off to the lab. On the way Nikki caught up. "How did your meeting go?"
"It was alright. They were giving out these things as door prizes, some sort of energy saber. But would you believe it? One of the more uneventful staff meetings this year."
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Chapter 39: Home Life
As Ethan and Nikki returned from work, they were greeted by Jade at the door. "Hey you two, I finally figured out where I've seen that big orange cat before."
Nikki asked "You mean the one that has been hanging around inside our house for the last couple months?"
Jade nodded. "Yes that one. Why are there other orange cats in the house? I'm pretty sure its just the one, because from what I've observed, he doesn't move very fast or hardly at all come to think of it."
Nikki shrugged. "I'm just making sure we're all on the same page."
Ethan asked "What orange cat?"
Nikki laughed. "OK well maybe Ethan's in a completely different book, let alone the same page."
"I'm in a book? Did I get something published without my knowledge?"
Jade continued "Anyways I was thinking really hard about it and I've seen that orange cat before back at your parents house mostly face down in the cat food bowl. That was why I had trouble recognizing him up until now. I'm kind of surprised that neither of you had recognized him if he belongs to someone in your family."
Nikki scratched her head. "Now that you mention it, he does look a lot like, Garf the family cat. But what is he doing out here?"
Jade thought about it for a moment. "As near as I can tell, we first started having Garf sightings as soon as we got back from the last family holiday at your parents house. Maybe he climbed into the truck and rode back without us knowing."
"We packed that truck pretty tight, I'm sure we would have found him if he was in there" Nikki added.
Ethan joined the conversation finally. "He could have hid in one of the secret compartments I had installed back when I was into international smuggling and espionage. No body ever checks the secret compartments."
Jade's eyes suddenly got very wide. Nikki asked "What's wrong?"
Jade pointed at the glass door behind Nikki and Ethan where there was a semi-curly hair man with a puppy dog look on his face staring intently through the glass. "Who is that and why are they staring through the glass like that?"
Ethan and Nikki both said "Oh crap, I forgot" at the same time.
Jade groaned. "OK one at a time guys, you, explain" she said as she pointed at Ethan.
"That's Jim. He's agreed to move into the empty room at the end of the hall and pay us some rent. He's a nice guy, friendly, easily spooked though. He's not been the same since the war." Nikki nodded as Ethan explained.
Jade looked at them suspiciously. "There's no way he's old enough to have been in any wars, past or present."
"Shh he might here you." Nikki said whispered. "So can we keep him?"
"Tenants are a big responsibility. Do you think you can handle it? You have to feed them every day and take care of them or they curl up in the corner and die. I'm not going to clean up your mess for you if you get bored with him. We're going to take him to a field and let him go if that happens, so promise me you're going to be responsible, both of you."
Nikki and Ethan nodded at each other. "We promise!"
Jade sighed. "Alright, you can let him in, but he better not make a mess on the carpet."
Ethan and Nikki turn and give each other a high five before letting Jim in. "It's about time someone opened the door for me. I've been standing out here forever. Now which way to the room I'll be staying in?"
Jade points down the hall. "Go through the kitchen, last door on the left." Nikki and Ethan follow him excitedly into the other room discussing who gets to brush his hair first. Shaking her head, she comments to herself "Those kids, let me tell you."
A moment later, she becomes aware of Garf who has wandered into the room and has sat about a foot away from her leg. He sits there quietly looking up at her with a straight emotionless face.
Finally after a few minutes of staring back and forth, Jade speaks up. "What?"
Garf stares back another minute before coughing up a hairball on her shoe. Only then does he turn slowly and walk away.
Nikki asked "You mean the one that has been hanging around inside our house for the last couple months?"
Jade nodded. "Yes that one. Why are there other orange cats in the house? I'm pretty sure its just the one, because from what I've observed, he doesn't move very fast or hardly at all come to think of it."
Nikki shrugged. "I'm just making sure we're all on the same page."
Ethan asked "What orange cat?"
Nikki laughed. "OK well maybe Ethan's in a completely different book, let alone the same page."
"I'm in a book? Did I get something published without my knowledge?"
Jade continued "Anyways I was thinking really hard about it and I've seen that orange cat before back at your parents house mostly face down in the cat food bowl. That was why I had trouble recognizing him up until now. I'm kind of surprised that neither of you had recognized him if he belongs to someone in your family."
Nikki scratched her head. "Now that you mention it, he does look a lot like, Garf the family cat. But what is he doing out here?"
Jade thought about it for a moment. "As near as I can tell, we first started having Garf sightings as soon as we got back from the last family holiday at your parents house. Maybe he climbed into the truck and rode back without us knowing."
"We packed that truck pretty tight, I'm sure we would have found him if he was in there" Nikki added.
Ethan joined the conversation finally. "He could have hid in one of the secret compartments I had installed back when I was into international smuggling and espionage. No body ever checks the secret compartments."
Jade's eyes suddenly got very wide. Nikki asked "What's wrong?"
Jade pointed at the glass door behind Nikki and Ethan where there was a semi-curly hair man with a puppy dog look on his face staring intently through the glass. "Who is that and why are they staring through the glass like that?"
Ethan and Nikki both said "Oh crap, I forgot" at the same time.
Jade groaned. "OK one at a time guys, you, explain" she said as she pointed at Ethan.
"That's Jim. He's agreed to move into the empty room at the end of the hall and pay us some rent. He's a nice guy, friendly, easily spooked though. He's not been the same since the war." Nikki nodded as Ethan explained.
Jade looked at them suspiciously. "There's no way he's old enough to have been in any wars, past or present."
"Shh he might here you." Nikki said whispered. "So can we keep him?"
"Tenants are a big responsibility. Do you think you can handle it? You have to feed them every day and take care of them or they curl up in the corner and die. I'm not going to clean up your mess for you if you get bored with him. We're going to take him to a field and let him go if that happens, so promise me you're going to be responsible, both of you."
Nikki and Ethan nodded at each other. "We promise!"
Jade sighed. "Alright, you can let him in, but he better not make a mess on the carpet."
Ethan and Nikki turn and give each other a high five before letting Jim in. "It's about time someone opened the door for me. I've been standing out here forever. Now which way to the room I'll be staying in?"
Jade points down the hall. "Go through the kitchen, last door on the left." Nikki and Ethan follow him excitedly into the other room discussing who gets to brush his hair first. Shaking her head, she comments to herself "Those kids, let me tell you."
A moment later, she becomes aware of Garf who has wandered into the room and has sat about a foot away from her leg. He sits there quietly looking up at her with a straight emotionless face.
Finally after a few minutes of staring back and forth, Jade speaks up. "What?"
Garf stares back another minute before coughing up a hairball on her shoe. Only then does he turn slowly and walk away.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Chapter 38: Where The Door Leads
"This looks like trouble" Ethan commented as he read some of his work email. He had just arrived for yet another exciting evening of work at the computer lab.
Nikki looked up from the computer she was using in the lab. "What does?" she asked.
"Well I got an email from my boss saying that we need to have an important meeting to discuss something in..." He looked at his watch briefly. "..43 seconds."
"Well that does sound ominous, good luck with that" was all Nikki could reply with before returning her attention to her web comics.
"You should be looking for a job in case this meeting doesn't go very well" Ethan suggested to her.
She snorted. "Yeah, I'll get right on that. Right after I'm finished reading the Internet."
"Well I'm glad you put a reasonable limit on your web browsing. Here comes my boss, don't cause any problems while he's here."
Ethan's boss, Bill came through the glass doors leading into the lab. "Hey Ethan, lets go over to that table in the corner to have our meeting." They walked over and sat at the table Bill had pointed at. "So as you may have heard, we've been asked to cut back on expenses here because all the top executives of huge companies that don't have a thing to do with us need bail-out multi-million dollar bonuses this month."
Ethan cut in, "I hate those guys."
"Most people do, but anyway we'd like to move you days where we can save a little bit of money. We'll be able to close the lab a little earlier. That has the added effect of not having to worry as much about the frequent zombie attacks outside at night."
Ethan scratched his head. "I've seen those guys out there before, but they never bother me. I always felt a sense of camaraderie from them."
Bill frowned. "Disturbing. Well for our other employees, this is probably a good thing. So effective immediately, you will now work from 8 to 5 each day. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to send an email." Bill took out his PDA and started typing on it.
Ethan got up from the table and walked back to the employee desk to check some more of his email. Just as he got back up to the desk, he saw he had just received another email from Bill. It read 'Something came up, we need to have another meeting. Meet me at the table I'm sitting at in 4 seconds.' Ethan frowned, looked over at Bill and then back at his email before scurrying over to the table.
Bill opened the new meeting by saying "I'm glad we could meet on such short notice, somethings come up with moving you to days."
Ethan looked concerned. "What came up dare I ask?"
"Well we're having a problem with the library about the doors. They're voicing some sort of concern that the doors open into another reality after a certain time each night. Until we can install some reality anchor devices on the doors, we won't be able to move you to days."
"How hard is it to anchor the doors to reality"
"Not very hard really, it's a simple 10 inch screw you can get at the hardware store in their screw reality section." Bill took a deep breath before continuing. "The problem is that facilities here has to have a meeting to plan another meeting to create a committee that will create the task force to look into researching the method of placing a work order to purchase and install the paper and printer used to print a contract to hire a screw union expert to install the screw."
Ethan shrugged. "I guess that's how these things go. I'd never noticed that the door lead anywhere strange all these years. Everything about my life is perfectly normal."
Nikki started laughing uncontrollably. When she realized that Ethan and Bill were looking at her with concerned looks, she said "Oh I just read something funny."
Bill continued "So anyway, sorry to bring you bad news. You'll be staying on your current schedule until all of those things I mentioned happen to occur in that exact order. I'm glad we had this opportunity to talk, I'll see you at the staff meeting tomorrow. Don't forget to think of one thing you've been arrested more then once for to our ice breaking activity at the beginning of the meeting." Bill then got up and left out the door of the lab.
Nikki came up to the Ethan's desk. "Vehicular Manslaughter"
"What?" Ethan asked.
"That's what you should submit for your ice breaker at the meeting tomorrow."
Ethan laughed and shook his head. "I've never been arrested for that though."
"Good point. Well I couldn't help but overhear your meetings. So to summarize, nothing has changed really? And it only took two meeting to figure that out."
"That's about right, though the glimmer of hope of change lingers overhead." Ethan made a swirling motion over his head.
Ethan sat back down at his desk and started to type an email. It looked to Nikki like he was deep in thought for a few minutes. "Ah ha" Ethan shouted suddenly. "I know what I've been arrested for more then once, failure to put the toilet seat down in the women's restroom."
Nikki groaned. "I hate to break it to you, but you weren't arrested for leaving the toilet seat up."
Nikki looked up from the computer she was using in the lab. "What does?" she asked.
"Well I got an email from my boss saying that we need to have an important meeting to discuss something in..." He looked at his watch briefly. "..43 seconds."
"Well that does sound ominous, good luck with that" was all Nikki could reply with before returning her attention to her web comics.
"You should be looking for a job in case this meeting doesn't go very well" Ethan suggested to her.
She snorted. "Yeah, I'll get right on that. Right after I'm finished reading the Internet."
"Well I'm glad you put a reasonable limit on your web browsing. Here comes my boss, don't cause any problems while he's here."
Ethan's boss, Bill came through the glass doors leading into the lab. "Hey Ethan, lets go over to that table in the corner to have our meeting." They walked over and sat at the table Bill had pointed at. "So as you may have heard, we've been asked to cut back on expenses here because all the top executives of huge companies that don't have a thing to do with us need bail-out multi-million dollar bonuses this month."
Ethan cut in, "I hate those guys."
"Most people do, but anyway we'd like to move you days where we can save a little bit of money. We'll be able to close the lab a little earlier. That has the added effect of not having to worry as much about the frequent zombie attacks outside at night."
Ethan scratched his head. "I've seen those guys out there before, but they never bother me. I always felt a sense of camaraderie from them."
Bill frowned. "Disturbing. Well for our other employees, this is probably a good thing. So effective immediately, you will now work from 8 to 5 each day. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to send an email." Bill took out his PDA and started typing on it.
Ethan got up from the table and walked back to the employee desk to check some more of his email. Just as he got back up to the desk, he saw he had just received another email from Bill. It read 'Something came up, we need to have another meeting. Meet me at the table I'm sitting at in 4 seconds.' Ethan frowned, looked over at Bill and then back at his email before scurrying over to the table.
Bill opened the new meeting by saying "I'm glad we could meet on such short notice, somethings come up with moving you to days."
Ethan looked concerned. "What came up dare I ask?"
"Well we're having a problem with the library about the doors. They're voicing some sort of concern that the doors open into another reality after a certain time each night. Until we can install some reality anchor devices on the doors, we won't be able to move you to days."
"How hard is it to anchor the doors to reality"
"Not very hard really, it's a simple 10 inch screw you can get at the hardware store in their screw reality section." Bill took a deep breath before continuing. "The problem is that facilities here has to have a meeting to plan another meeting to create a committee that will create the task force to look into researching the method of placing a work order to purchase and install the paper and printer used to print a contract to hire a screw union expert to install the screw."
Ethan shrugged. "I guess that's how these things go. I'd never noticed that the door lead anywhere strange all these years. Everything about my life is perfectly normal."
Nikki started laughing uncontrollably. When she realized that Ethan and Bill were looking at her with concerned looks, she said "Oh I just read something funny."
Bill continued "So anyway, sorry to bring you bad news. You'll be staying on your current schedule until all of those things I mentioned happen to occur in that exact order. I'm glad we had this opportunity to talk, I'll see you at the staff meeting tomorrow. Don't forget to think of one thing you've been arrested more then once for to our ice breaking activity at the beginning of the meeting." Bill then got up and left out the door of the lab.
Nikki came up to the Ethan's desk. "Vehicular Manslaughter"
"What?" Ethan asked.
"That's what you should submit for your ice breaker at the meeting tomorrow."
Ethan laughed and shook his head. "I've never been arrested for that though."
"Good point. Well I couldn't help but overhear your meetings. So to summarize, nothing has changed really? And it only took two meeting to figure that out."
"That's about right, though the glimmer of hope of change lingers overhead." Ethan made a swirling motion over his head.
Ethan sat back down at his desk and started to type an email. It looked to Nikki like he was deep in thought for a few minutes. "Ah ha" Ethan shouted suddenly. "I know what I've been arrested for more then once, failure to put the toilet seat down in the women's restroom."
Nikki groaned. "I hate to break it to you, but you weren't arrested for leaving the toilet seat up."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Chapter 37: Cash and Prizes
"I remember a time where there was room to sit on the couch" Ethan commented to Nikki. They were both in the living room sitting on the floor playing on the Wee gaming system. "Now with all these cats that have nested here, look where we end up having to sit."
Nikki turned to face the couch that was completely covered with cats in various stages of sleep or laziness. "You make a compelling point for once."
"Hey!" Ethan protested.
She continued "I can't complain too much because this huge estate we're living in now, I'm pretty sure that had something to do with Cleopatra's doing." Cleo looked up when she heard her name mentioned and winked before settling back down to her nap.
"Alright, I'll agree to that." Ethan smirked. "Now hurry up and 'throw' your bowling ball." They were playing the game Wee Can't Play Sports and specifically the mode that resembled in an abstract sort of way a variation of bowling.
Nikki stood up, twirled around 3 times, jumped in the air, and then threw her hand out in front of her. The game reported "Strike, Good Job".
Ethan frowned. "How is it that your method always gets a strike? That's a completely absurd way to throw the ball."
Nikki giggled. "And yet it works every time. Looks like you should take some pointers based on your score."
Ethan threw his ball and the game reported "Gutter Ball, Try harder next time."
She added "I meant to ask, why is your score negative, I'm pretty sure that's not how bowling scoring works in this game."
"I'm just that good" Ethan said proudly.
"We aren't playing golf, so you want a positive score, you know what never mind, try and not beat me too badly OK brother?" Nikki tried to not laugh too hard.
Just then, Ethan's phone rang. He quickly answered his phone.
"Possibly A Pizza Pizzaria, how can I help you?.....
Large pepperoni pizza hold the sauce, cheese, and dough?.....
Sure thing, it'll be ready next month, that'll be elvenity hundred dollar....."
Ethan pulled out a sheet of paper. "We do accept credit cards, whats your card number? Ok and name on the card? Alright and that other number. Ok thank you, see you in 30 days." He then hung up the cellphone, yanked out the battery, and tossed both pieces out the window.
Nikki gave him a confused look. "Funny story about how I got that phone.." he began but was abruptly interrupted by his real cellphone ringing. "I should take this." Nikki nodded.
"Hello?...
Hey Lenny, what's up?.....
Really? That's great, when can I start?.....
Taking money from tourists, yeah.....
We'll head on over in a few minutes...
Thanks, see you there.....
Bye"
Ethan hung up his phone and dropped it in a pocket. "Guess what we're doing tonight?"
Nikki dropped her hands to her sides. "I probably don't want to know, but go ahead and tell me."
"Well, the local casino on the Russian reservation across town just got poker tables in. So I was going to 'Russia' on over and take some money from hapless tourists."
"Haven't the Russians been trying to get us for the past couple weeks? " Nikki asked. Cleo lifted her head up and nodded though neither Nikki or Ethan seemed to be watching.
"What are you talking about?" Ethan scratched his head.
"Don't you read the paper? Last week's headline read 'Russians fail to crash space debris on local residents, foiled by giant laser'. Didn't you put two and two together?" she asked him.
"I hadn't made the connection, and besides Suki had a very convincing note that said 'There is no giant laser, nothing to see here. Move along.' "
Jade walked by briefly as she headed into the kitchen and added "You even do the power bills and see our power consumption is in the tens of thousands of dollars."
Ethan nodded. "I do take care of the power bill. I just figured Nikki over here took really long hot showers." Nikki punched Ethan in the shoulder. "So are we going or what?"
Nikki nodded grudgingly. "Sure, lets go."
The trip to the casino was short because it was only a couple miles down the road. Upon arriving, they found a parking space in the parking lot and walked over to the entrance. A tall man greeted them as they entered. "Velcome to Casino vhere slot machines play you. Please to be enjoying your stay. And don't forget to leave all your money here."
As Nikki and Ethan walked towards the poker room, Nikki commented "Well at least they are straight forward here. That's got to be worth something."
Ethan shrugged. "Part of the fun is the illusion you're going to leave with more money, shatter that fragment of a hope and what are you left with. Overpriced beverages."
"I thought the beverages were free here."
"They are, but what have you got to do to get the free drinks?" he asked her. She nodded in understanding. "Ah here we are" he commented as they made it up to the poker room.
The poker room host walked up to them. "Velcome to Poker Room, ve have many games for you to pick tonight. Pick vhich one you vant. Ve have Limit, No Limit, and our newest game, 'everybody bets, everybody loses'."
Ethan's eyes lit up ."Hmm that last one sounds good."
"ETHAN!" Nikki said forcefully.
He quickly corrected "Oh uh the No Limit game is fine."
Nikki turned to face the couch that was completely covered with cats in various stages of sleep or laziness. "You make a compelling point for once."
"Hey!" Ethan protested.
She continued "I can't complain too much because this huge estate we're living in now, I'm pretty sure that had something to do with Cleopatra's doing." Cleo looked up when she heard her name mentioned and winked before settling back down to her nap.
"Alright, I'll agree to that." Ethan smirked. "Now hurry up and 'throw' your bowling ball." They were playing the game Wee Can't Play Sports and specifically the mode that resembled in an abstract sort of way a variation of bowling.
Nikki stood up, twirled around 3 times, jumped in the air, and then threw her hand out in front of her. The game reported "Strike, Good Job".
Ethan frowned. "How is it that your method always gets a strike? That's a completely absurd way to throw the ball."
Nikki giggled. "And yet it works every time. Looks like you should take some pointers based on your score."
Ethan threw his ball and the game reported "Gutter Ball, Try harder next time."
She added "I meant to ask, why is your score negative, I'm pretty sure that's not how bowling scoring works in this game."
"I'm just that good" Ethan said proudly.
"We aren't playing golf, so you want a positive score, you know what never mind, try and not beat me too badly OK brother?" Nikki tried to not laugh too hard.
Just then, Ethan's phone rang. He quickly answered his phone.
"Possibly A Pizza Pizzaria, how can I help you?.....
Large pepperoni pizza hold the sauce, cheese, and dough?.....
Sure thing, it'll be ready next month, that'll be elvenity hundred dollar....."
Ethan pulled out a sheet of paper. "We do accept credit cards, whats your card number? Ok and name on the card? Alright and that other number. Ok thank you, see you in 30 days." He then hung up the cellphone, yanked out the battery, and tossed both pieces out the window.
Nikki gave him a confused look. "Funny story about how I got that phone.." he began but was abruptly interrupted by his real cellphone ringing. "I should take this." Nikki nodded.
"Hello?...
Hey Lenny, what's up?.....
Really? That's great, when can I start?.....
Taking money from tourists, yeah.....
We'll head on over in a few minutes...
Thanks, see you there.....
Bye"
Ethan hung up his phone and dropped it in a pocket. "Guess what we're doing tonight?"
Nikki dropped her hands to her sides. "I probably don't want to know, but go ahead and tell me."
"Well, the local casino on the Russian reservation across town just got poker tables in. So I was going to 'Russia' on over and take some money from hapless tourists."
"Haven't the Russians been trying to get us for the past couple weeks? " Nikki asked. Cleo lifted her head up and nodded though neither Nikki or Ethan seemed to be watching.
"What are you talking about?" Ethan scratched his head.
"Don't you read the paper? Last week's headline read 'Russians fail to crash space debris on local residents, foiled by giant laser'. Didn't you put two and two together?" she asked him.
"I hadn't made the connection, and besides Suki had a very convincing note that said 'There is no giant laser, nothing to see here. Move along.' "
Jade walked by briefly as she headed into the kitchen and added "You even do the power bills and see our power consumption is in the tens of thousands of dollars."
Ethan nodded. "I do take care of the power bill. I just figured Nikki over here took really long hot showers." Nikki punched Ethan in the shoulder. "So are we going or what?"
Nikki nodded grudgingly. "Sure, lets go."
The trip to the casino was short because it was only a couple miles down the road. Upon arriving, they found a parking space in the parking lot and walked over to the entrance. A tall man greeted them as they entered. "Velcome to Casino vhere slot machines play you. Please to be enjoying your stay. And don't forget to leave all your money here."
As Nikki and Ethan walked towards the poker room, Nikki commented "Well at least they are straight forward here. That's got to be worth something."
Ethan shrugged. "Part of the fun is the illusion you're going to leave with more money, shatter that fragment of a hope and what are you left with. Overpriced beverages."
"I thought the beverages were free here."
"They are, but what have you got to do to get the free drinks?" he asked her. She nodded in understanding. "Ah here we are" he commented as they made it up to the poker room.
The poker room host walked up to them. "Velcome to Poker Room, ve have many games for you to pick tonight. Pick vhich one you vant. Ve have Limit, No Limit, and our newest game, 'everybody bets, everybody loses'."
Ethan's eyes lit up ."Hmm that last one sounds good."
"ETHAN!" Nikki said forcefully.
He quickly corrected "Oh uh the No Limit game is fine."
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Chapter 36: Overhand Throw of Opportunity
Nikki and Ethan returned back to the estate around 10 pm from a long day of work followed by some roleplaying mayhem. Jade greeted them at the door. "Hey you two, I have some important news to share."
Nikki looked interested. "Oh really? What kind of news?"
"Job news actually" Jade responded.
Ethan started to act interested finally. "I didn't want to say anything, but I had noticed how you weren't really going to work anymore. Did they finally correct some sort of oversight where you were still getting paid a check even though you weren't going to work anymore, what back at the Haunted Wine House or whatever?"
Jade shook her head. "Actually no they haven't figured out I'm not showing up anymore. I still go in every couple of weeks to pick up the checks. Until they stop giving me checks, I'll keep cashing them."
"Well if its not about your old job, what's your big news?" Nikki asked.
Jade continued "Well I was across town enjoying one of my favorite hobbies, cat chucking. I was just throwing some stray cats I found at passing cars. Apparently where I chose to chuck cats happened to be in front of some sort of daycare center. I guess my hair was looking more disheveled then normal and I got mistaken for some crazy cat lady."
Nikki and Ethan snuck a quick glance at each other.
"Well long story short, they offered me a job at the daycare taking care of days or children or some such nonsense. The kind of money they wanted to pay me was too hard to turn down. So I start tomorrow."
Ethan asked "Are you sure this is a good idea, what ever happen to that baby you got back when we were on that quest?"
"The delivery service messed up my order. I wanted a girl instead." Jade shrugged. "I took advantage of their no questions asked, full money back guarantee and just didn't bother to replace my order. Perhaps we can try again some other day."
Ethan squinted his eyes at Jade. "Let's hope your story checks out." He then noticed a multi-colored kitten sitting on Jade's shoulder like a cat-parrot or something. "What's with the shoulder kitten?"
Jade took the kitten off her shoulder and placed it on the ground in front of her. "This is Patches. She's a stray that came up to me when I was in town earlier. I was about to throw her at a school bus when the people at the day care distracted me. Well long story short, she followed me home and I just couldn't bring myself to leave her outside."
Ethan shook his head. "You were going to throw her into traffic and then you decide leaving her outside without food would be cruel?"
Jade thought for a second. "Yes."
Nikki asked "Why is she called Patches?"
"Oh that's easy." Jade pointed at the kitten's back. "It looks like she was patched together from a whole bunch of other cats. "
Ethan sighed. "You let an undead cat into my house?"
Shaking her head, Jade replied "She's not undead, probably just reanimated."
"Thanks, you've put my mind completely at ease" Ethan responded.
Jade smiled. "I aim to please!"
Nikki looked interested. "Oh really? What kind of news?"
"Job news actually" Jade responded.
Ethan started to act interested finally. "I didn't want to say anything, but I had noticed how you weren't really going to work anymore. Did they finally correct some sort of oversight where you were still getting paid a check even though you weren't going to work anymore, what back at the Haunted Wine House or whatever?"
Jade shook her head. "Actually no they haven't figured out I'm not showing up anymore. I still go in every couple of weeks to pick up the checks. Until they stop giving me checks, I'll keep cashing them."
"Well if its not about your old job, what's your big news?" Nikki asked.
Jade continued "Well I was across town enjoying one of my favorite hobbies, cat chucking. I was just throwing some stray cats I found at passing cars. Apparently where I chose to chuck cats happened to be in front of some sort of daycare center. I guess my hair was looking more disheveled then normal and I got mistaken for some crazy cat lady."
Nikki and Ethan snuck a quick glance at each other.
"Well long story short, they offered me a job at the daycare taking care of days or children or some such nonsense. The kind of money they wanted to pay me was too hard to turn down. So I start tomorrow."
Ethan asked "Are you sure this is a good idea, what ever happen to that baby you got back when we were on that quest?"
"The delivery service messed up my order. I wanted a girl instead." Jade shrugged. "I took advantage of their no questions asked, full money back guarantee and just didn't bother to replace my order. Perhaps we can try again some other day."
Ethan squinted his eyes at Jade. "Let's hope your story checks out." He then noticed a multi-colored kitten sitting on Jade's shoulder like a cat-parrot or something. "What's with the shoulder kitten?"
Jade took the kitten off her shoulder and placed it on the ground in front of her. "This is Patches. She's a stray that came up to me when I was in town earlier. I was about to throw her at a school bus when the people at the day care distracted me. Well long story short, she followed me home and I just couldn't bring myself to leave her outside."
Ethan shook his head. "You were going to throw her into traffic and then you decide leaving her outside without food would be cruel?"
Jade thought for a second. "Yes."
Nikki asked "Why is she called Patches?"
"Oh that's easy." Jade pointed at the kitten's back. "It looks like she was patched together from a whole bunch of other cats. "
Ethan sighed. "You let an undead cat into my house?"
Shaking her head, Jade replied "She's not undead, probably just reanimated."
"Thanks, you've put my mind completely at ease" Ethan responded.
Jade smiled. "I aim to please!"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Chapter 35: High on MFB, yeah you know me
Sherri sharpened her blade carefully with a sharpening stone as her allies rested. Her sword had been dulled significantly as it cut her enemies down. It had been a long and dangerous journey so far today and she could still see town from here. "Why do we seem to keep running into random battles with all manner of creatures? First it was the lizard creatures, then those annoying little goblin things, and now a hoard of orcs."
Kurk dusted off his priest robes. "No kidding, the battles have been difficult thus far, and you all seem to think the best strategy to hold off the enemy is to throw your bodies at them. I'm having trouble keeping up with all the healing you all need to stay alive. It doesn't help either that our mage, Gary, keeps casting his explosive spells in the same area as the rest of the group."
Gary laughed. "The placement of my spells is selected by estimating the optimal damage distribution on the enemies. A bit of collateral damage is to be expected."
Sherri asked "Why does the optimal location for spells always seem to fall right around three inches from my face?"
Gary responded "Since you insist on being the one that runs out way in front of us to charge straight into the fray, you usually place yourself right in harms way in more ways then one."
Kurk continued "The only person I never have to heal is Rick, because he doesn't actually fight when we're in combat. As a matter of fact he's usually pretty far away from the excitement more often then not."
Rick shrugged. "As the official bard of our group, it is my responsibility to tell the tale of our adventures. Fighting with weapons seems so crude for an artistic genius such as myself."
"Yes as important as my legacy is, I'm sure in the middle of the heat of battle is not the best time to be composing any sort of ballads" Sherri said as sarcastic as possible.
Rick shrugged. "What can I say, that is when the inspiration hits me."
"You can say 'I'm sorry, I'll pay attention to the dangers around me from now on and help fend off the enemy'" she retorted. "Or else inspiration won't be the only thing that will be hitting you in battle."
Stacy the pixie flew over and landed on Rick's shoulder. "I really enjoy the songs he writes, they make me happy." She giggled and then started playing with Rick's hair.
Sherri groaned. "Well if you want to keep him around a little longer Stacy, I guess we can keep him. After all, we all need a good laugh from time to time. Every time even the smallest bit of ale hits Rick's lips, that's when the real fun begins."
Rick looked over at Kurk embarrassed. "Do I really cause as big a scene as she implies?"
Kurk laughed. "I would say some of your best performances have been once you get hammered. Don't worry though, we usually keep you mostly out of trouble. The girl in that last down won't be forgetting you for a while."
Stacy giggled again. "No I doubt she remembers anything either."
Sherri stood up. "Enough rest, I think we should get going, we still have a long ways to go."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hold up, what's the rush. We're trying to role play our characters here" Nikki asked.
Millie frowned. "I'm just trying to keep things moving. It seems like we're just sitting around talking and I want to get on to the next fight."
Brian cut in. "My character is a world renowned bard who.."
"You're not world renowned" Nikki interrupted, "You're not even Sherri, Stacy, Gery and Kurk renowned, you're just Rick, that guy."
Brian frowned. "OK fine my character is just 'that guy' who everyone so eloquently put, does not have much in the way of combat prowess."
"By not have much, you mean has none" Ralph added.
Brian examined his character sheet closely and then nodded. "Right, I do not have the capacity to fight and so I really excel in what I do within the role play aspect of the world. So give me the opportunity with my words and stories to paint an interesting environment since in a fight I just paint the ground with my blood."
Millie said "I have built my character to have maximum combat abilities for her level, I am essentially a perfect killing machine."
Heath said "Hey that's my line!"
Nikki asked "Millie, how is it that role playing games are the only thing you demonstrate any level of competence in?"
Millie threw some of her dice at Nikki "I am too competent in other things like.....uh....."
Ralph laughed at Millie. "Epic fail Millie, epic fail." He picked up some of her dice and added them to his own collection. "Thanks for the new dice."
Ethan shook his head. He was waiting patiently for the players to figure out what they were doing. He had grown impatient with the players bickering though. "In a stroke of unlucky happenstance, a large airship build by some gnomes high on mind flayer brain dust, accidentally fly their ship into the side of the mountain you were resting next to. In a large explosion that vaporized the airship in the process, they managed to dislodge a large amount of rocks perched precariously overhead which roll down the mountain. Rocks fall, you die!" Ethan then reached over and set Millie's character sheet on fire with a pocket lighter. He then started to move around the table to incinerate the other player's character sheets.
Nikki frowned as Ethan reduced her character to ash. She then pulled out an identical copy of the sheet and placed in in front of her. Ethan set to burning that one as well. She pulled out a third copy which he also burned. Then she pulled a fourth copy out and said "We can do this all day if you'd like brother, though I'd suggest you move on."
Ethan frowned but moved on to Heath who had already managed to build some sort of viking burial ship out of some extra construction paper. "My character deserves a proper burial at sea."
Ethan pulled out a flask of lighter fluid and doused the ship and Heath's character sheet in it. "More like burial at FIREBALL" Once lit, there was a quick flash incinerating both the sheet and the ship in a small fireball.
When it was Brian's turn, he finished jotting down some journal entries for his character before handing his character sheet over to be cleansed. "May his memory live on in his writings."
Ethan finally moved on to Ralph's side of the table. Ralph motioned Ethan to stop for a moment. "Actually I don't think I would have been killed when the rocks fell upon the camp my allies and I had set down to rest at."
Ethan said "Explain."
Ralph continued "Well before we left town, if you remember I went ahead and got a boulder flu shot at the local healer so that I could build up a resistance to boulders. I should be resistant to boulders by now and so the rocks would not have killed me."
Ethan thought for a second. "Yeah you're right, except medical technology still sucks. You got your boulder flu shot with a rusty used needle." Ethan then incinerated Ralph's character sheet. "Tetanus happens, you die."
Kurk dusted off his priest robes. "No kidding, the battles have been difficult thus far, and you all seem to think the best strategy to hold off the enemy is to throw your bodies at them. I'm having trouble keeping up with all the healing you all need to stay alive. It doesn't help either that our mage, Gary, keeps casting his explosive spells in the same area as the rest of the group."
Gary laughed. "The placement of my spells is selected by estimating the optimal damage distribution on the enemies. A bit of collateral damage is to be expected."
Sherri asked "Why does the optimal location for spells always seem to fall right around three inches from my face?"
Gary responded "Since you insist on being the one that runs out way in front of us to charge straight into the fray, you usually place yourself right in harms way in more ways then one."
Kurk continued "The only person I never have to heal is Rick, because he doesn't actually fight when we're in combat. As a matter of fact he's usually pretty far away from the excitement more often then not."
Rick shrugged. "As the official bard of our group, it is my responsibility to tell the tale of our adventures. Fighting with weapons seems so crude for an artistic genius such as myself."
"Yes as important as my legacy is, I'm sure in the middle of the heat of battle is not the best time to be composing any sort of ballads" Sherri said as sarcastic as possible.
Rick shrugged. "What can I say, that is when the inspiration hits me."
"You can say 'I'm sorry, I'll pay attention to the dangers around me from now on and help fend off the enemy'" she retorted. "Or else inspiration won't be the only thing that will be hitting you in battle."
Stacy the pixie flew over and landed on Rick's shoulder. "I really enjoy the songs he writes, they make me happy." She giggled and then started playing with Rick's hair.
Sherri groaned. "Well if you want to keep him around a little longer Stacy, I guess we can keep him. After all, we all need a good laugh from time to time. Every time even the smallest bit of ale hits Rick's lips, that's when the real fun begins."
Rick looked over at Kurk embarrassed. "Do I really cause as big a scene as she implies?"
Kurk laughed. "I would say some of your best performances have been once you get hammered. Don't worry though, we usually keep you mostly out of trouble. The girl in that last down won't be forgetting you for a while."
Stacy giggled again. "No I doubt she remembers anything either."
Sherri stood up. "Enough rest, I think we should get going, we still have a long ways to go."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hold up, what's the rush. We're trying to role play our characters here" Nikki asked.
Millie frowned. "I'm just trying to keep things moving. It seems like we're just sitting around talking and I want to get on to the next fight."
Brian cut in. "My character is a world renowned bard who.."
"You're not world renowned" Nikki interrupted, "You're not even Sherri, Stacy, Gery and Kurk renowned, you're just Rick, that guy."
Brian frowned. "OK fine my character is just 'that guy' who everyone so eloquently put, does not have much in the way of combat prowess."
"By not have much, you mean has none" Ralph added.
Brian examined his character sheet closely and then nodded. "Right, I do not have the capacity to fight and so I really excel in what I do within the role play aspect of the world. So give me the opportunity with my words and stories to paint an interesting environment since in a fight I just paint the ground with my blood."
Millie said "I have built my character to have maximum combat abilities for her level, I am essentially a perfect killing machine."
Heath said "Hey that's my line!"
Nikki asked "Millie, how is it that role playing games are the only thing you demonstrate any level of competence in?"
Millie threw some of her dice at Nikki "I am too competent in other things like.....uh....."
Ralph laughed at Millie. "Epic fail Millie, epic fail." He picked up some of her dice and added them to his own collection. "Thanks for the new dice."
Ethan shook his head. He was waiting patiently for the players to figure out what they were doing. He had grown impatient with the players bickering though. "In a stroke of unlucky happenstance, a large airship build by some gnomes high on mind flayer brain dust, accidentally fly their ship into the side of the mountain you were resting next to. In a large explosion that vaporized the airship in the process, they managed to dislodge a large amount of rocks perched precariously overhead which roll down the mountain. Rocks fall, you die!" Ethan then reached over and set Millie's character sheet on fire with a pocket lighter. He then started to move around the table to incinerate the other player's character sheets.
Nikki frowned as Ethan reduced her character to ash. She then pulled out an identical copy of the sheet and placed in in front of her. Ethan set to burning that one as well. She pulled out a third copy which he also burned. Then she pulled a fourth copy out and said "We can do this all day if you'd like brother, though I'd suggest you move on."
Ethan frowned but moved on to Heath who had already managed to build some sort of viking burial ship out of some extra construction paper. "My character deserves a proper burial at sea."
Ethan pulled out a flask of lighter fluid and doused the ship and Heath's character sheet in it. "More like burial at FIREBALL" Once lit, there was a quick flash incinerating both the sheet and the ship in a small fireball.
When it was Brian's turn, he finished jotting down some journal entries for his character before handing his character sheet over to be cleansed. "May his memory live on in his writings."
Ethan finally moved on to Ralph's side of the table. Ralph motioned Ethan to stop for a moment. "Actually I don't think I would have been killed when the rocks fell upon the camp my allies and I had set down to rest at."
Ethan said "Explain."
Ralph continued "Well before we left town, if you remember I went ahead and got a boulder flu shot at the local healer so that I could build up a resistance to boulders. I should be resistant to boulders by now and so the rocks would not have killed me."
Ethan thought for a second. "Yeah you're right, except medical technology still sucks. You got your boulder flu shot with a rusty used needle." Ethan then incinerated Ralph's character sheet. "Tetanus happens, you die."
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