Chapter 13: Mike, Medication, and Mayhem

An announcer voice proclaimed with cheesy theme music playing "This is the 1:34pm Action News with anchors Sarah Andrews and Mike McKenzie, your only live on the 34 news report."

"Good afternoon, I'm Sarah Andrews and this is Mike McKenzie, welcome to news at 1:34."

"They already know that Sarah, the announcer just said all of that with the introduction" Mike said sarcastically.

"Mike, I've got a knife under this desk, shut up before we're trying to fill a vacancy for this program" Sarah added.

"I'm not afraid Sarah, you're probably trip and fall onto it as soon as you tried to use it. We'd be filling a vacancy for sure, but it won't be mine." Mike then motioned to their producer who was already in action.

A few moments later some burly men burst in the room and approached the desk. Just as they reached Sarah, the camera panned back over to Mike as they tasered her repeatedly. A couple seconds later, the camera panned back to Sarah as she straightened her hair. "Thank you Mike, forgot my meds today."

Mike continued "Indeed you had, in the news day, we'd gotten reports of a fire on the eastern side of town. From the sounds of it, this fire is raging out of control. Expendable news agent Tonya is on the scene."

Tonya was standing in front of a large burning hole in the side of a house made by some sort of explosion. "I'm here with a Mr. Zane, tell me Mr. Zane, what happened here?"

"Cats got out"

"What, did you just say some cats did this?" Tonya asked confused.

"No this har hole wuz caused by one of them whatcha calls em, rockety launchermajigers fired at close range I recon. I was thinking, whats a rocket launcher doin in my here yurd, so I says I wonder ifs its loaded and thinks hey its probably not, I should test fires it at mah window, wuts the worst that could happin?"

"Alright that's it" is heard off screen. The man that Tonya was talking to is yanked off to the side out of view, followed by a sudden stabbing noise and a short lived scream. When the camera catches up, Zane is standing over a body that has been stabbed in the eye with a dagger. "Tonya, I think you should cut back to the newsroom now."

"Oh um OK, back to you guys, this is Tonya signing..." Tonya was cut short suddenly before she could finish just as a dagger came on screen around eye level, but the shot was already back in the newsroom a moment later.

"We lost another one" Sarah said. "In other news, today was the 5th annual beets and melted crayon cook-off down at the expo center. A record turn out of two homeless people and a lost tourist made the place standing room only, because due to its popularity, it was again held in the mop closet. Good eating, right Mike?"

"What ever you say Sarah" Mike continued. "Oh and this just in, police are in pursuit of a green mustang that is flying down the highway as we speak. We go live to traffic chopper cadet Cosmo, Cosmo?"

"Thank you Mike, this is Cosmo in News Chopper 93 over the pursuit. Police started this pursuit when the vehicle in question jumped a police checkpoint by driving up a pile of dirt. The dirt had been placed like a ramp next to the checkpoint by a road crew working in the area. Police only had this to say, 'It hadn't occurred to us that anyone would use the ramp'.

We're now directly over the vehicle, we might be able to get a good look at the driver." Cosmo gasps. "It appears to be.... driven by a mean looking old gray cat, and shes glaring at me for sure. Actually I think she just flipped me off or gave me a paw or something. And what's that, looks like the passenger window is being lowered. A little gray kitten is sticking its head out the other window and looks like its holding something, is that a rocket launcher? I think it..." The video feed goes dead suddenly right after a large explosion.

Back in the newsroom, Sarah looks over at Mike, then down at the sheet of paper in front of her. After a second, she looks up at the camera. "This just in, local news helicopter crashes onto the highway hindering an in progress police pursuit. The helicopter was apparently shot down by a gray kitten with a rocket launcher. The weapon was fired out of the passenger window of the vehicle being pursued. This is mostly speculation and police are unavailable for comment at this time. Mike?"

"Yes today's weather, clear ...with a chance of news helicopter debris showers. Who wrote that on here?" Mike looked around suspiciously before continuing. "Tonight partly cloudy with a chance of showers. This weekend is looking good for sunny skies and tourists from New York. Sarah back to you." He then quickly said under his breath "If I find out it was you..."

"One other news story of note, a local resident was found murdered outside of their apartment earlier. Police have a suspect in custody. Apparently the suspect wrote on their car window that they were guilty out of guilt. It is speculated in the heat of the moment that the suspect wanted to document the crime on their transportation. A couple witnesses in the area stated that they in fact saw another woman commit the murder and wrote the message on the suspects window afterwards. Police believe these witnesses are idiots and have taken steps to beat the living hell out of the them until their story matches the evidence. I guess you could say they're 'mistaken'?."

"Sarah, was that a joke? That wasn't even remotely funny, you know what, never mind. You'd probably start crying or something. And I'd be like 'Oh boo hoo, the little retard is so sad'"

"I'm suddenly filled with the urge to use this knife again. And this time, you with the tasers, I'll not go down without a fight." Sarah gripped the knife and waved it around menacingly.

"Yes uh that's all we have for the 1:34pm news for today, we'll see you at 6:12pm for our evening edition, until then I'm Mike McKenzie and this is retard Sarah Andrews for 1:34pm Action News."

Sarah added "Mike McKenzie won't be joining us for the evening edition though, he's suddenly contracted a severe case of stabbed in the face, until then folks, I'm Sarah Andrews and this was 1:34pm Action News."

"I already said that, idiot."

-End Transmission-