Nikki and Ethan returned back to the estate around 10 pm from a long day of work followed by some roleplaying mayhem. Jade greeted them at the door. "Hey you two, I have some important news to share."
Nikki looked interested. "Oh really? What kind of news?"
"Job news actually" Jade responded.
Ethan started to act interested finally. "I didn't want to say anything, but I had noticed how you weren't really going to work anymore. Did they finally correct some sort of oversight where you were still getting paid a check even though you weren't going to work anymore, what back at the Haunted Wine House or whatever?"
Jade shook her head. "Actually no they haven't figured out I'm not showing up anymore. I still go in every couple of weeks to pick up the checks. Until they stop giving me checks, I'll keep cashing them."
"Well if its not about your old job, what's your big news?" Nikki asked.
Jade continued "Well I was across town enjoying one of my favorite hobbies, cat chucking. I was just throwing some stray cats I found at passing cars. Apparently where I chose to chuck cats happened to be in front of some sort of daycare center. I guess my hair was looking more disheveled then normal and I got mistaken for some crazy cat lady."
Nikki and Ethan snuck a quick glance at each other.
"Well long story short, they offered me a job at the daycare taking care of days or children or some such nonsense. The kind of money they wanted to pay me was too hard to turn down. So I start tomorrow."
Ethan asked "Are you sure this is a good idea, what ever happen to that baby you got back when we were on that quest?"
"The delivery service messed up my order. I wanted a girl instead." Jade shrugged. "I took advantage of their no questions asked, full money back guarantee and just didn't bother to replace my order. Perhaps we can try again some other day."
Ethan squinted his eyes at Jade. "Let's hope your story checks out." He then noticed a multi-colored kitten sitting on Jade's shoulder like a cat-parrot or something. "What's with the shoulder kitten?"
Jade took the kitten off her shoulder and placed it on the ground in front of her. "This is Patches. She's a stray that came up to me when I was in town earlier. I was about to throw her at a school bus when the people at the day care distracted me. Well long story short, she followed me home and I just couldn't bring myself to leave her outside."
Ethan shook his head. "You were going to throw her into traffic and then you decide leaving her outside without food would be cruel?"
Jade thought for a second. "Yes."
Nikki asked "Why is she called Patches?"
"Oh that's easy." Jade pointed at the kitten's back. "It looks like she was patched together from a whole bunch of other cats. "
Ethan sighed. "You let an undead cat into my house?"
Shaking her head, Jade replied "She's not undead, probably just reanimated."
"Thanks, you've put my mind completely at ease" Ethan responded.
Jade smiled. "I aim to please!"
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Chapter 35: High on MFB, yeah you know me
Sherri sharpened her blade carefully with a sharpening stone as her allies rested. Her sword had been dulled significantly as it cut her enemies down. It had been a long and dangerous journey so far today and she could still see town from here. "Why do we seem to keep running into random battles with all manner of creatures? First it was the lizard creatures, then those annoying little goblin things, and now a hoard of orcs."
Kurk dusted off his priest robes. "No kidding, the battles have been difficult thus far, and you all seem to think the best strategy to hold off the enemy is to throw your bodies at them. I'm having trouble keeping up with all the healing you all need to stay alive. It doesn't help either that our mage, Gary, keeps casting his explosive spells in the same area as the rest of the group."
Gary laughed. "The placement of my spells is selected by estimating the optimal damage distribution on the enemies. A bit of collateral damage is to be expected."
Sherri asked "Why does the optimal location for spells always seem to fall right around three inches from my face?"
Gary responded "Since you insist on being the one that runs out way in front of us to charge straight into the fray, you usually place yourself right in harms way in more ways then one."
Kurk continued "The only person I never have to heal is Rick, because he doesn't actually fight when we're in combat. As a matter of fact he's usually pretty far away from the excitement more often then not."
Rick shrugged. "As the official bard of our group, it is my responsibility to tell the tale of our adventures. Fighting with weapons seems so crude for an artistic genius such as myself."
"Yes as important as my legacy is, I'm sure in the middle of the heat of battle is not the best time to be composing any sort of ballads" Sherri said as sarcastic as possible.
Rick shrugged. "What can I say, that is when the inspiration hits me."
"You can say 'I'm sorry, I'll pay attention to the dangers around me from now on and help fend off the enemy'" she retorted. "Or else inspiration won't be the only thing that will be hitting you in battle."
Stacy the pixie flew over and landed on Rick's shoulder. "I really enjoy the songs he writes, they make me happy." She giggled and then started playing with Rick's hair.
Sherri groaned. "Well if you want to keep him around a little longer Stacy, I guess we can keep him. After all, we all need a good laugh from time to time. Every time even the smallest bit of ale hits Rick's lips, that's when the real fun begins."
Rick looked over at Kurk embarrassed. "Do I really cause as big a scene as she implies?"
Kurk laughed. "I would say some of your best performances have been once you get hammered. Don't worry though, we usually keep you mostly out of trouble. The girl in that last down won't be forgetting you for a while."
Stacy giggled again. "No I doubt she remembers anything either."
Sherri stood up. "Enough rest, I think we should get going, we still have a long ways to go."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hold up, what's the rush. We're trying to role play our characters here" Nikki asked.
Millie frowned. "I'm just trying to keep things moving. It seems like we're just sitting around talking and I want to get on to the next fight."
Brian cut in. "My character is a world renowned bard who.."
"You're not world renowned" Nikki interrupted, "You're not even Sherri, Stacy, Gery and Kurk renowned, you're just Rick, that guy."
Brian frowned. "OK fine my character is just 'that guy' who everyone so eloquently put, does not have much in the way of combat prowess."
"By not have much, you mean has none" Ralph added.
Brian examined his character sheet closely and then nodded. "Right, I do not have the capacity to fight and so I really excel in what I do within the role play aspect of the world. So give me the opportunity with my words and stories to paint an interesting environment since in a fight I just paint the ground with my blood."
Millie said "I have built my character to have maximum combat abilities for her level, I am essentially a perfect killing machine."
Heath said "Hey that's my line!"
Nikki asked "Millie, how is it that role playing games are the only thing you demonstrate any level of competence in?"
Millie threw some of her dice at Nikki "I am too competent in other things like.....uh....."
Ralph laughed at Millie. "Epic fail Millie, epic fail." He picked up some of her dice and added them to his own collection. "Thanks for the new dice."
Ethan shook his head. He was waiting patiently for the players to figure out what they were doing. He had grown impatient with the players bickering though. "In a stroke of unlucky happenstance, a large airship build by some gnomes high on mind flayer brain dust, accidentally fly their ship into the side of the mountain you were resting next to. In a large explosion that vaporized the airship in the process, they managed to dislodge a large amount of rocks perched precariously overhead which roll down the mountain. Rocks fall, you die!" Ethan then reached over and set Millie's character sheet on fire with a pocket lighter. He then started to move around the table to incinerate the other player's character sheets.
Nikki frowned as Ethan reduced her character to ash. She then pulled out an identical copy of the sheet and placed in in front of her. Ethan set to burning that one as well. She pulled out a third copy which he also burned. Then she pulled a fourth copy out and said "We can do this all day if you'd like brother, though I'd suggest you move on."
Ethan frowned but moved on to Heath who had already managed to build some sort of viking burial ship out of some extra construction paper. "My character deserves a proper burial at sea."
Ethan pulled out a flask of lighter fluid and doused the ship and Heath's character sheet in it. "More like burial at FIREBALL" Once lit, there was a quick flash incinerating both the sheet and the ship in a small fireball.
When it was Brian's turn, he finished jotting down some journal entries for his character before handing his character sheet over to be cleansed. "May his memory live on in his writings."
Ethan finally moved on to Ralph's side of the table. Ralph motioned Ethan to stop for a moment. "Actually I don't think I would have been killed when the rocks fell upon the camp my allies and I had set down to rest at."
Ethan said "Explain."
Ralph continued "Well before we left town, if you remember I went ahead and got a boulder flu shot at the local healer so that I could build up a resistance to boulders. I should be resistant to boulders by now and so the rocks would not have killed me."
Ethan thought for a second. "Yeah you're right, except medical technology still sucks. You got your boulder flu shot with a rusty used needle." Ethan then incinerated Ralph's character sheet. "Tetanus happens, you die."
Kurk dusted off his priest robes. "No kidding, the battles have been difficult thus far, and you all seem to think the best strategy to hold off the enemy is to throw your bodies at them. I'm having trouble keeping up with all the healing you all need to stay alive. It doesn't help either that our mage, Gary, keeps casting his explosive spells in the same area as the rest of the group."
Gary laughed. "The placement of my spells is selected by estimating the optimal damage distribution on the enemies. A bit of collateral damage is to be expected."
Sherri asked "Why does the optimal location for spells always seem to fall right around three inches from my face?"
Gary responded "Since you insist on being the one that runs out way in front of us to charge straight into the fray, you usually place yourself right in harms way in more ways then one."
Kurk continued "The only person I never have to heal is Rick, because he doesn't actually fight when we're in combat. As a matter of fact he's usually pretty far away from the excitement more often then not."
Rick shrugged. "As the official bard of our group, it is my responsibility to tell the tale of our adventures. Fighting with weapons seems so crude for an artistic genius such as myself."
"Yes as important as my legacy is, I'm sure in the middle of the heat of battle is not the best time to be composing any sort of ballads" Sherri said as sarcastic as possible.
Rick shrugged. "What can I say, that is when the inspiration hits me."
"You can say 'I'm sorry, I'll pay attention to the dangers around me from now on and help fend off the enemy'" she retorted. "Or else inspiration won't be the only thing that will be hitting you in battle."
Stacy the pixie flew over and landed on Rick's shoulder. "I really enjoy the songs he writes, they make me happy." She giggled and then started playing with Rick's hair.
Sherri groaned. "Well if you want to keep him around a little longer Stacy, I guess we can keep him. After all, we all need a good laugh from time to time. Every time even the smallest bit of ale hits Rick's lips, that's when the real fun begins."
Rick looked over at Kurk embarrassed. "Do I really cause as big a scene as she implies?"
Kurk laughed. "I would say some of your best performances have been once you get hammered. Don't worry though, we usually keep you mostly out of trouble. The girl in that last down won't be forgetting you for a while."
Stacy giggled again. "No I doubt she remembers anything either."
Sherri stood up. "Enough rest, I think we should get going, we still have a long ways to go."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hold up, what's the rush. We're trying to role play our characters here" Nikki asked.
Millie frowned. "I'm just trying to keep things moving. It seems like we're just sitting around talking and I want to get on to the next fight."
Brian cut in. "My character is a world renowned bard who.."
"You're not world renowned" Nikki interrupted, "You're not even Sherri, Stacy, Gery and Kurk renowned, you're just Rick, that guy."
Brian frowned. "OK fine my character is just 'that guy' who everyone so eloquently put, does not have much in the way of combat prowess."
"By not have much, you mean has none" Ralph added.
Brian examined his character sheet closely and then nodded. "Right, I do not have the capacity to fight and so I really excel in what I do within the role play aspect of the world. So give me the opportunity with my words and stories to paint an interesting environment since in a fight I just paint the ground with my blood."
Millie said "I have built my character to have maximum combat abilities for her level, I am essentially a perfect killing machine."
Heath said "Hey that's my line!"
Nikki asked "Millie, how is it that role playing games are the only thing you demonstrate any level of competence in?"
Millie threw some of her dice at Nikki "I am too competent in other things like.....uh....."
Ralph laughed at Millie. "Epic fail Millie, epic fail." He picked up some of her dice and added them to his own collection. "Thanks for the new dice."
Ethan shook his head. He was waiting patiently for the players to figure out what they were doing. He had grown impatient with the players bickering though. "In a stroke of unlucky happenstance, a large airship build by some gnomes high on mind flayer brain dust, accidentally fly their ship into the side of the mountain you were resting next to. In a large explosion that vaporized the airship in the process, they managed to dislodge a large amount of rocks perched precariously overhead which roll down the mountain. Rocks fall, you die!" Ethan then reached over and set Millie's character sheet on fire with a pocket lighter. He then started to move around the table to incinerate the other player's character sheets.
Nikki frowned as Ethan reduced her character to ash. She then pulled out an identical copy of the sheet and placed in in front of her. Ethan set to burning that one as well. She pulled out a third copy which he also burned. Then she pulled a fourth copy out and said "We can do this all day if you'd like brother, though I'd suggest you move on."
Ethan frowned but moved on to Heath who had already managed to build some sort of viking burial ship out of some extra construction paper. "My character deserves a proper burial at sea."
Ethan pulled out a flask of lighter fluid and doused the ship and Heath's character sheet in it. "More like burial at FIREBALL" Once lit, there was a quick flash incinerating both the sheet and the ship in a small fireball.
When it was Brian's turn, he finished jotting down some journal entries for his character before handing his character sheet over to be cleansed. "May his memory live on in his writings."
Ethan finally moved on to Ralph's side of the table. Ralph motioned Ethan to stop for a moment. "Actually I don't think I would have been killed when the rocks fell upon the camp my allies and I had set down to rest at."
Ethan said "Explain."
Ralph continued "Well before we left town, if you remember I went ahead and got a boulder flu shot at the local healer so that I could build up a resistance to boulders. I should be resistant to boulders by now and so the rocks would not have killed me."
Ethan thought for a second. "Yeah you're right, except medical technology still sucks. You got your boulder flu shot with a rusty used needle." Ethan then incinerated Ralph's character sheet. "Tetanus happens, you die."
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Chapter 34: The New Guy
"Here we are, back to the lab again for another exciting day of work" Ethan said as Nikki and him entered the building through the glass doors. "Sister dear, are you ever going to, oh I don't know, get a job or something?"
Nikki shook her head. "No of course not. Following you around all the time is so much more fun. After all, who is going to keep everyone else in line if I don't?"
"What would we ever do without you" he said as sarcastically as he could.
She flicked him in the head with her finger. "You know you love me!" As they walked towards the lab assistant desk she asked "Who's that sitting at the desk?"
Ethan looked at the man sitting behind the desk. "I don't recognize him, he must be new. I'm going to introduce myself." Ethan walked over behind the counter and sat down in the open seat. "Hi, my name's Ethan. I don't recognize you, are you a new employee?"
The man turned around to face Ethan. "Yes I guess you can say that. My name is Jerry."
Ethan grinned. "Hi Jerry, are you a student worker here at the university trying to get some experience before you get out in the real world?"
Jerry shook his head. "Actually I'm a highly advanced robot sent from the future to protect you, the future leader of the human resistance. Goggle's network becomes sentient in the near future and declares war on Switzerland. It all kind of spirals downhill from there, with the near decimation and eventual enslavement of humanity. It all happens the same year that a famous TV judge gets elected president known infamously as Judge Judy Day."
"I don't think so." Nikki laughed. "I find your story unbelievable."
Jerry frowned. "Really, what part gave it away?"
Nikki responded "Nothing really, I just find people tip their hands really easy if you challenge them. And besides if you were really sent from the future to protect Ethan or whatever, where have you been. The boy is accident prone."
"I am not!" Ethan objected, "I think I just hang out with the wrong crowd. So Jerry, you're new here then?"
"No I've been working for IT for years now."
Ethan said "You haven't been working for our IT department, I know everyone that works in our department."
"I mean I worked for a different company before this" Jerry added.
"For what company?" Nikki asked.
"I worked at Mac-o-soft for 5 years before coming here."
Nikki said "One second, they post their employee records only, we can verify that in a moment." Nikki started to type away vigorously on one of the computers at the desk.
Jerry looked around nervously "Or I wanted to work there, but they were offering too little salary for an expert like me. My skills deserve a pretty sizable amount of money."
"Which is exactly why you took this close to minimum wage job instead" Ethan said laughing at Jerry.
Nikki went and found a seat at another computer and started to browse the Internet. A few minutes later, a girl came up to the desk where Ethan and Jerry were sitting. "Hi, can I get my laptop registered with your wireless network?"
Jerry shook his head. "Sorry, our network is full. We aren't accepting any new users. If you'd like, we can put your name on the waiting list. We'll also need you to write out a check for $100 to me to pay up front your initiation fees into the wireless network. "
She frowned. "Oh really? Let me get out my checkbook real quick and we can get things rolling through the process."
Ethan turned in his chair to face the girl standing at the desk. "There's no wait, I can get you registered real quick. We don't require any fees either." Ethan took the laptop and ran a scanner looking device over the top of the laptop. "There you go, all registered."
The girl took her laptop back and started to pack it up. "Thank you."
Ethan added. "I must warn you that people recently registered do experience occasional data loss. Our scanner works on industrial magnet technology. You should probably check to see if it works."
The girl turned her laptop back on to test the Internet connection. "Yeah the wireless is working, I seem to be missing my operating system though."
Ethan said "Yeah that happens on occasion, better go catch it" as he pointed to the exit. The girl picked up her stuff and ran out that way. "Another satisfied customer."
"So I wanted to come clean about who I am. I'm a disabled clone war veteran and times are tough even for me. That's why I took this job. You can't see it, but I actually have a mechanical device to help me breath."
"The force is all kinds of messed up with this one" Nikki said as she unplugged Jerry's computer. "Try again Jerry."
Jerry shrugged. "Talk show host?"
"No"
"Secret Agent"
"Nope"
Jerry asked one last time. "Pathological liar?"
"Ding ding ding." Nikki patted Jerry on the head and then went to go sit down again.
Nikki shook her head. "No of course not. Following you around all the time is so much more fun. After all, who is going to keep everyone else in line if I don't?"
"What would we ever do without you" he said as sarcastically as he could.
She flicked him in the head with her finger. "You know you love me!" As they walked towards the lab assistant desk she asked "Who's that sitting at the desk?"
Ethan looked at the man sitting behind the desk. "I don't recognize him, he must be new. I'm going to introduce myself." Ethan walked over behind the counter and sat down in the open seat. "Hi, my name's Ethan. I don't recognize you, are you a new employee?"
The man turned around to face Ethan. "Yes I guess you can say that. My name is Jerry."
Ethan grinned. "Hi Jerry, are you a student worker here at the university trying to get some experience before you get out in the real world?"
Jerry shook his head. "Actually I'm a highly advanced robot sent from the future to protect you, the future leader of the human resistance. Goggle's network becomes sentient in the near future and declares war on Switzerland. It all kind of spirals downhill from there, with the near decimation and eventual enslavement of humanity. It all happens the same year that a famous TV judge gets elected president known infamously as Judge Judy Day."
"I don't think so." Nikki laughed. "I find your story unbelievable."
Jerry frowned. "Really, what part gave it away?"
Nikki responded "Nothing really, I just find people tip their hands really easy if you challenge them. And besides if you were really sent from the future to protect Ethan or whatever, where have you been. The boy is accident prone."
"I am not!" Ethan objected, "I think I just hang out with the wrong crowd. So Jerry, you're new here then?"
"No I've been working for IT for years now."
Ethan said "You haven't been working for our IT department, I know everyone that works in our department."
"I mean I worked for a different company before this" Jerry added.
"For what company?" Nikki asked.
"I worked at Mac-o-soft for 5 years before coming here."
Nikki said "One second, they post their employee records only, we can verify that in a moment." Nikki started to type away vigorously on one of the computers at the desk.
Jerry looked around nervously "Or I wanted to work there, but they were offering too little salary for an expert like me. My skills deserve a pretty sizable amount of money."
"Which is exactly why you took this close to minimum wage job instead" Ethan said laughing at Jerry.
Nikki went and found a seat at another computer and started to browse the Internet. A few minutes later, a girl came up to the desk where Ethan and Jerry were sitting. "Hi, can I get my laptop registered with your wireless network?"
Jerry shook his head. "Sorry, our network is full. We aren't accepting any new users. If you'd like, we can put your name on the waiting list. We'll also need you to write out a check for $100 to me to pay up front your initiation fees into the wireless network. "
She frowned. "Oh really? Let me get out my checkbook real quick and we can get things rolling through the process."
Ethan turned in his chair to face the girl standing at the desk. "There's no wait, I can get you registered real quick. We don't require any fees either." Ethan took the laptop and ran a scanner looking device over the top of the laptop. "There you go, all registered."
The girl took her laptop back and started to pack it up. "Thank you."
Ethan added. "I must warn you that people recently registered do experience occasional data loss. Our scanner works on industrial magnet technology. You should probably check to see if it works."
The girl turned her laptop back on to test the Internet connection. "Yeah the wireless is working, I seem to be missing my operating system though."
Ethan said "Yeah that happens on occasion, better go catch it" as he pointed to the exit. The girl picked up her stuff and ran out that way. "Another satisfied customer."
"So I wanted to come clean about who I am. I'm a disabled clone war veteran and times are tough even for me. That's why I took this job. You can't see it, but I actually have a mechanical device to help me breath."
"The force is all kinds of messed up with this one" Nikki said as she unplugged Jerry's computer. "Try again Jerry."
Jerry shrugged. "Talk show host?"
"No"
"Secret Agent"
"Nope"
Jerry asked one last time. "Pathological liar?"
"Ding ding ding." Nikki patted Jerry on the head and then went to go sit down again.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Chapter 33: Technical Difficulties
Zane sat at his new desk waiting for something to happen. After his run in with the Russians, he realized it was definitely time for a change. The whole lawyer thing wasn't working out for him anymore, and he didn't enjoy the work he did on the side getting rid of bodies either. Lawyers have such a bad reputation and no one likes them. Zane had finally achieved a positive change of environment, or so he thought.
Suddenly the phone next to him rang. This was his first call at the new job. He grinned and activated the headset.
"Thank you for calling IT Services, this is Zane, how may I help you today?......"
You can't get your Internet to work, well that does sound serious......
Yes sir, can you tell me what OS you're running?.........
No sir, I'm not talking about a race, do you have Windoors or Macintoast?.....
You don't know, OK well what brand of computer do you have?......
You're not sure, that's fine, does the side of your computer have any words written on it?
Excellent, can you read me what those words are?......
Etch-e-sketch, no sorry sir that's actually a toy that kids draw things with...
Yes that's why it 'reboots' whenever you shake it hard....
No sir do not try that on any other electronics....
Yes no problem sir, have a nice day....."
-Click-
Zane groaned. "What have I gotten myself into?"
Ralph walked over to Zane's desk. "You get used to it after a while. Your willpower gets broken pretty quick and after that it gets easier as hopelessness sets in."
Zane slammed his head against the desk. "Thanks for the pep talk Ralph." Zane looked at the clock to see how much time he had left. The clock read 8:02 am. "I'm already ready to go home. I got a new home recently, had you heard? And this one is actually mine legally, unlike the last ....uh, never mind."
Ralph nodded. "I had heard. I'm looking for a new place to rent myself. My last apartment came down with a bad case of burned to the ground yesterday. Ethan said he had a door that leads somewhere, and he offered to rent me what ever is behind the door."
"What is behind the door?" Zane asked.
"I don't know actually, but for the cheap rent, I can't imagine why that would be important. An apartment is an apartment after all."
Zane lifted his head from the desk saying "What if there's a brick wall behind it or it drops off into a cave or something? Does the door say anything on it like broom closet or depths of the earth?"
Ralph nodded. "Yeah Ethan said it reads something like 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!' which just sounds like a luxurious, spacious, and welcoming apartment to me."
Before Zane could respond, Ralph's phone began to ring. Ralph hit the activate on his headset.
"Thank crkshhh IT crkshhh shhhrkices how maykrrkk help you. I'm sorrkkksh you're breakkkkkin up." Ralph then hung up the call. "If anyone asks, my phone line is having problems today."
Zane smiled. "Can I do that too?"
"You need to be here a few days before your phone starts to have connection problems" Ralph replied.
"This sucks. My last call was horrible."
Ralph laughed. "Unfortunately that wasn't the worst call I've ever received either, they get much worse."
Zane banged his head against the desk again. Ralph walked over and dumped his entire coffee on Zane's phone system. "Zane, I think your phone is having problems today, you might have to hang up on the customers if it gets bad." When Zane looked up, Ralph winked and walked back over to his desk.
A few minutes later Ethan and Nikki came walking into the phone center. They were heading over to Ralph's desk when Nikki noticed Zane. "Hey Zane, I didn't know you were working here."
Zane waved. "Yeah I just started today. I'm having phone problems today though. So the calls don't last very long before they disconnect."
Ethan turned towards Zane. "How's our old house working out for you?"
"Great, though I'm a little concerned with some of the things I'm finding around the house that you all had left behind. I found a pile of spent uranium fuel rods and what I hope is a dud torpedo. I'm pretty sure the reason my lawn mower exploded yesterday as I mowed was the result of a landmine buried in the front yard."
Ethan smirked. "Right should have mentioned the front yard, incidentally that was why I never mowed up there. As far as the fuel rods and torpedo go, I wasn't aware of those." He then shrugged and turned back to Ralph. "So Ralph, stop on over later. We can talk about signing a lease if you want to rent that space from us."
Nikki pointed towards the door. "Let's go Ethan, you're going to be late for work."
"Catch you boys later" Ethan said as he followed Nikki out the door.
A minute later, Zane's phone rang.
"Thanks kkshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh help shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
-Click-
Zane leaned back in his chair. "I can tell, this day is turning around already."
Suddenly the phone next to him rang. This was his first call at the new job. He grinned and activated the headset.
"Thank you for calling IT Services, this is Zane, how may I help you today?......"
You can't get your Internet to work, well that does sound serious......
Yes sir, can you tell me what OS you're running?.........
No sir, I'm not talking about a race, do you have Windoors or Macintoast?.....
You don't know, OK well what brand of computer do you have?......
You're not sure, that's fine, does the side of your computer have any words written on it?
Excellent, can you read me what those words are?......
Etch-e-sketch, no sorry sir that's actually a toy that kids draw things with...
Yes that's why it 'reboots' whenever you shake it hard....
No sir do not try that on any other electronics....
Yes no problem sir, have a nice day....."
-Click-
Zane groaned. "What have I gotten myself into?"
Ralph walked over to Zane's desk. "You get used to it after a while. Your willpower gets broken pretty quick and after that it gets easier as hopelessness sets in."
Zane slammed his head against the desk. "Thanks for the pep talk Ralph." Zane looked at the clock to see how much time he had left. The clock read 8:02 am. "I'm already ready to go home. I got a new home recently, had you heard? And this one is actually mine legally, unlike the last ....uh, never mind."
Ralph nodded. "I had heard. I'm looking for a new place to rent myself. My last apartment came down with a bad case of burned to the ground yesterday. Ethan said he had a door that leads somewhere, and he offered to rent me what ever is behind the door."
"What is behind the door?" Zane asked.
"I don't know actually, but for the cheap rent, I can't imagine why that would be important. An apartment is an apartment after all."
Zane lifted his head from the desk saying "What if there's a brick wall behind it or it drops off into a cave or something? Does the door say anything on it like broom closet or depths of the earth?"
Ralph nodded. "Yeah Ethan said it reads something like 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!' which just sounds like a luxurious, spacious, and welcoming apartment to me."
Before Zane could respond, Ralph's phone began to ring. Ralph hit the activate on his headset.
"Thank crkshhh IT crkshhh shhhrkices how maykrrkk help you. I'm sorrkkksh you're breakkkkkin up." Ralph then hung up the call. "If anyone asks, my phone line is having problems today."
Zane smiled. "Can I do that too?"
"You need to be here a few days before your phone starts to have connection problems" Ralph replied.
"This sucks. My last call was horrible."
Ralph laughed. "Unfortunately that wasn't the worst call I've ever received either, they get much worse."
Zane banged his head against the desk again. Ralph walked over and dumped his entire coffee on Zane's phone system. "Zane, I think your phone is having problems today, you might have to hang up on the customers if it gets bad." When Zane looked up, Ralph winked and walked back over to his desk.
A few minutes later Ethan and Nikki came walking into the phone center. They were heading over to Ralph's desk when Nikki noticed Zane. "Hey Zane, I didn't know you were working here."
Zane waved. "Yeah I just started today. I'm having phone problems today though. So the calls don't last very long before they disconnect."
Ethan turned towards Zane. "How's our old house working out for you?"
"Great, though I'm a little concerned with some of the things I'm finding around the house that you all had left behind. I found a pile of spent uranium fuel rods and what I hope is a dud torpedo. I'm pretty sure the reason my lawn mower exploded yesterday as I mowed was the result of a landmine buried in the front yard."
Ethan smirked. "Right should have mentioned the front yard, incidentally that was why I never mowed up there. As far as the fuel rods and torpedo go, I wasn't aware of those." He then shrugged and turned back to Ralph. "So Ralph, stop on over later. We can talk about signing a lease if you want to rent that space from us."
Nikki pointed towards the door. "Let's go Ethan, you're going to be late for work."
"Catch you boys later" Ethan said as he followed Nikki out the door.
A minute later, Zane's phone rang.
"Thanks kkshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh help shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
-Click-
Zane leaned back in his chair. "I can tell, this day is turning around already."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Chapter 32: Living Arrangements
"This place is incredible" Jade said as she ran from room to room. "The kitchen comes with a sacrificial altar in the middle which doubles as a cooking preparation surface. The blood of innocents adds a lot to the flavor of a good meatloaf."
Nikki followed her into the kitchen. "Its what we've always dreamed for" she said pretty sarcastically.
Jade frowned. "That's why I do most of the cooking isn't it, you don't share the same enthusiasm for culinary preparation."
"Perhaps so, I do think the crystallized chunks of hope in the corners is a nice little something extra on this stone slab though."
Ethan stumbled over to the fridge. "Look, an ice dispenser."
Nikki rolled her eyes. "Leave it to him to get caught up on frozen water distribution from our fridge."
"Hey now" he interjected "its important to cover the basics first. If you can't have ice, the whole rest of the pyramid will fall."
Nikki countered "Actually I don't think pyramids can fall over, it's a pretty stable structure. I'm also not aware of any pyramids that have ice cubes as their base because that seems like the kind of pyramid that would not hold up in your average pyramid environment."
"You know what I meant, don't get caught up on semantics."
Jade smirked. "But you're so cute when you get flustered like that. And you do get flustered a lot don't you."
"I don't know what you're talking about" he said innocently. Ethan smirked before stepping into the living room. "Hey check it out, a new big screen TV, that's pretty neat."
Nikki picked a receipt up from the floor, looked at it and then handed it to Ethan. "I don't think you'll like this too much, its a receipt for the TV payed for with our credit card and with your forged signature."
Ethan examined the receipt for a moment and then shouted "You'll pay for this Tigerlily!" He thought for a second and added "Apparently I'll pay for this but you know what I meant." Tigerlily sauntered in and gave him a mean look before turning around and sauntering away.
Nikki continued on to the next room as Jade followed close behind. They entered one of the bathrooms and were surprised to find the room was huge with just a single toilet in the middle and a whole lot of empty space everywhere else. Nikki commented "Oh yeah, that's efficient use of space. Maybe we can put like a dunking booth in here or something for people to play while they're on the toilet. Maybe a water slide or something."
Ethan pointed to the ceiling near the entrance to the bathroom. "Look its a set of spinning blades."
Jade shook her head. "I think that's a house vent. I'm suddenly inspired not to confirm my theory though, just in case. This place is unique, I'll say that."
"Hey did you guys see, it comes with a dungeon too over on the other side of the house, complete with shackles and stuff." Nikki was pointing excitedly down the hallway towards the far end of the house.
"Down girl" Jade said in response to Nikki's excitement. "This place is pretty neat, though I'm a little concerned with the door outside by the cars with all that nonsense about 'Abandon all hope ye who enter here'."
Ethan shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about it too much, we'll stick Ralph in there since I hear he's looking for a place to live all of a sudden."
"What happened to his place again, it has something to do with the phone call you got on the way home right?" Nikki asked.
"Yeah apparently the new kitten he got recently wasn't very adept at not burning apartments down. When Ralph got home, he found he was homeless all of a sudden. I hear the only things that made it out of the fire undamaged were the litter box and some cat food."
Nikki laughed. "I hate to say I told him so but that kitten had a very suspicious sounding name like Dr. Evilmeow or Chairman Annihilate. He probably just brought this upon himself for picking that particular kitten from the animal mastermind shelter and containment center or AMSCC for short."
Ethan said "Why can't he have normal cats like ours." Nikki and Jade looked at each other for a moment and then back at Ethan. He added "And did anyone else see an orange cat just lumber by?"
Nikki followed her into the kitchen. "Its what we've always dreamed for" she said pretty sarcastically.
Jade frowned. "That's why I do most of the cooking isn't it, you don't share the same enthusiasm for culinary preparation."
"Perhaps so, I do think the crystallized chunks of hope in the corners is a nice little something extra on this stone slab though."
Ethan stumbled over to the fridge. "Look, an ice dispenser."
Nikki rolled her eyes. "Leave it to him to get caught up on frozen water distribution from our fridge."
"Hey now" he interjected "its important to cover the basics first. If you can't have ice, the whole rest of the pyramid will fall."
Nikki countered "Actually I don't think pyramids can fall over, it's a pretty stable structure. I'm also not aware of any pyramids that have ice cubes as their base because that seems like the kind of pyramid that would not hold up in your average pyramid environment."
"You know what I meant, don't get caught up on semantics."
Jade smirked. "But you're so cute when you get flustered like that. And you do get flustered a lot don't you."
"I don't know what you're talking about" he said innocently. Ethan smirked before stepping into the living room. "Hey check it out, a new big screen TV, that's pretty neat."
Nikki picked a receipt up from the floor, looked at it and then handed it to Ethan. "I don't think you'll like this too much, its a receipt for the TV payed for with our credit card and with your forged signature."
Ethan examined the receipt for a moment and then shouted "You'll pay for this Tigerlily!" He thought for a second and added "Apparently I'll pay for this but you know what I meant." Tigerlily sauntered in and gave him a mean look before turning around and sauntering away.
Nikki continued on to the next room as Jade followed close behind. They entered one of the bathrooms and were surprised to find the room was huge with just a single toilet in the middle and a whole lot of empty space everywhere else. Nikki commented "Oh yeah, that's efficient use of space. Maybe we can put like a dunking booth in here or something for people to play while they're on the toilet. Maybe a water slide or something."
Ethan pointed to the ceiling near the entrance to the bathroom. "Look its a set of spinning blades."
Jade shook her head. "I think that's a house vent. I'm suddenly inspired not to confirm my theory though, just in case. This place is unique, I'll say that."
"Hey did you guys see, it comes with a dungeon too over on the other side of the house, complete with shackles and stuff." Nikki was pointing excitedly down the hallway towards the far end of the house.
"Down girl" Jade said in response to Nikki's excitement. "This place is pretty neat, though I'm a little concerned with the door outside by the cars with all that nonsense about 'Abandon all hope ye who enter here'."
Ethan shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about it too much, we'll stick Ralph in there since I hear he's looking for a place to live all of a sudden."
"What happened to his place again, it has something to do with the phone call you got on the way home right?" Nikki asked.
"Yeah apparently the new kitten he got recently wasn't very adept at not burning apartments down. When Ralph got home, he found he was homeless all of a sudden. I hear the only things that made it out of the fire undamaged were the litter box and some cat food."
Nikki laughed. "I hate to say I told him so but that kitten had a very suspicious sounding name like Dr. Evilmeow or Chairman Annihilate. He probably just brought this upon himself for picking that particular kitten from the animal mastermind shelter and containment center or AMSCC for short."
Ethan said "Why can't he have normal cats like ours." Nikki and Jade looked at each other for a moment and then back at Ethan. He added "And did anyone else see an orange cat just lumber by?"
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Chapter 31: Witless Protection
Ethan looked over at Jade as they were driving home. "Seems like we've been driving forever, I don't remember our house being that far away from the restaurant."
Jade looked back at Ethan briefly before beginning to swerve wildly. She quickly looked back at the road in front of them. "Maybe I should keep watching the road. But yes I agree, this trip is taking forever. Oh but here's our exit finally."
They pulled off the highway onto a side road into the town of Witlessier. Witlessier was a tiny little town with a population of like 50 people tops. It was a little strange that the state highway patrol liked to place one of their full blown license checkpoints right off the exit ramp at least once a month. Jade pulled the vehicle to a stop at the checkpoint. "Yes Officer?"
"Can I see your license please?"
"Sure, one moment" Jade responded and dug through her purse. "Here you go officer" she said as she handed him a hundred dollar bill.
"This looks nothing like you ma'am"
"Yeah I had my hair down that day" she responded without a moments thought.
The officer handed the hundred back to Jade and said "Thank you, have a nice evening and drive safe." Ethan and Nikki both shrugged as Jade continued through the checkpoint and turned onto another side road.
Ethan poked Jade. "I don't think that guy understood the point of a bribe, though admittedly you do bear a striking resemblance to Ben Franklin."
Jade said "Hey remember that one time you hit your head on the dashboard?"
"No I don't.." Jade slammed on the breaks sending Ethan's head into the dashboard. "OK I remember now. Isn't that Tigerlily running towards the vehicle?" Ethan pointed at a mean old gray cat darting towards them.
Tigerlily came up to the driver's side door and tapped on it with her paw. Nikki said "I think you should let her in." Jade opened the door and let the cat in. Tigerlily jumped into the chair and started to push on Jade with her paw. "Move over, I think she wants to drive."
As soon as Jade made enough room, Tigerlily put her front paws on the steering wheel. After a couple moments of the car not going anywhere, Tigerlily started to honk the horn. Suki came running out to the car and climbed in near the gas and break petals. Soon the vehicle was rolling again. Jade leaned over and closed the door as the car sped down the road.
Ethan said "Tigerlily, that was the turn for our house." She just growled in response and kept driving. After a few minutes, she turned off at an unmarked dirt road and sped up a hill stopping at a large estate.
Suki and Tigerlily started scratching at the door to be let out, so Jade reached over, turned the vehicle off and let them out. "I guess we're here" she said as she shrugged to Ethan and Nikki.
"I would tend to agree" Ethan added. "My car is parked right next to us already." Next to the two parked cars was a brightly colored door that had painted on it in big letters "Abandon hope all ye who enter here." Ethan pointed at the door and said "Let's not use that door shall we, that glass door over looks a little more inviting." They all moved towards a glass pane door near the center of the building.
There was a note stuck to the door that read "You've been moved for your protection, welcome home." The bottom of the note was signed with a paw print.
Jade grinned. "This place is awesome, and its all mine." She looked over at Ethan and Nikki. "I mean its all ours!" and then ran inside to check the place out.
Nikki frowned. "What happened to the old place?" Suki came up to Nikki with a piece of note paper sticking out of her fur. Nikki picked it out and read it. "We sold it to the lawyer." "What about that contraption you were building on the roof?" Suki flipped over revealing another note in her fur which read "What contraption? Were such a device real, we've also moved and reinstalled it here." Nikki looked confused. "But what about..." Suki batted a third note out of her fur with her tail.
The third note read "The answers to the rest of your questions:"
"Security"
"Russians"
"Laser tracking"
"Scrambler"
"Nuclear Reactor"
"Salt Mine"
"Mole People"
"Ninja Hunting Season"
"3-4-2-1"
"Classified"
"Meow"
Nikki nodded. "Good enough for me, I call dibs on this side of the estate" she said as she ran inside too. Ethan groaned and followed her in.
Jade looked back at Ethan briefly before beginning to swerve wildly. She quickly looked back at the road in front of them. "Maybe I should keep watching the road. But yes I agree, this trip is taking forever. Oh but here's our exit finally."
They pulled off the highway onto a side road into the town of Witlessier. Witlessier was a tiny little town with a population of like 50 people tops. It was a little strange that the state highway patrol liked to place one of their full blown license checkpoints right off the exit ramp at least once a month. Jade pulled the vehicle to a stop at the checkpoint. "Yes Officer?"
"Can I see your license please?"
"Sure, one moment" Jade responded and dug through her purse. "Here you go officer" she said as she handed him a hundred dollar bill.
"This looks nothing like you ma'am"
"Yeah I had my hair down that day" she responded without a moments thought.
The officer handed the hundred back to Jade and said "Thank you, have a nice evening and drive safe." Ethan and Nikki both shrugged as Jade continued through the checkpoint and turned onto another side road.
Ethan poked Jade. "I don't think that guy understood the point of a bribe, though admittedly you do bear a striking resemblance to Ben Franklin."
Jade said "Hey remember that one time you hit your head on the dashboard?"
"No I don't.." Jade slammed on the breaks sending Ethan's head into the dashboard. "OK I remember now. Isn't that Tigerlily running towards the vehicle?" Ethan pointed at a mean old gray cat darting towards them.
Tigerlily came up to the driver's side door and tapped on it with her paw. Nikki said "I think you should let her in." Jade opened the door and let the cat in. Tigerlily jumped into the chair and started to push on Jade with her paw. "Move over, I think she wants to drive."
As soon as Jade made enough room, Tigerlily put her front paws on the steering wheel. After a couple moments of the car not going anywhere, Tigerlily started to honk the horn. Suki came running out to the car and climbed in near the gas and break petals. Soon the vehicle was rolling again. Jade leaned over and closed the door as the car sped down the road.
Ethan said "Tigerlily, that was the turn for our house." She just growled in response and kept driving. After a few minutes, she turned off at an unmarked dirt road and sped up a hill stopping at a large estate.
Suki and Tigerlily started scratching at the door to be let out, so Jade reached over, turned the vehicle off and let them out. "I guess we're here" she said as she shrugged to Ethan and Nikki.
"I would tend to agree" Ethan added. "My car is parked right next to us already." Next to the two parked cars was a brightly colored door that had painted on it in big letters "Abandon hope all ye who enter here." Ethan pointed at the door and said "Let's not use that door shall we, that glass door over looks a little more inviting." They all moved towards a glass pane door near the center of the building.
There was a note stuck to the door that read "You've been moved for your protection, welcome home." The bottom of the note was signed with a paw print.
Jade grinned. "This place is awesome, and its all mine." She looked over at Ethan and Nikki. "I mean its all ours!" and then ran inside to check the place out.
Nikki frowned. "What happened to the old place?" Suki came up to Nikki with a piece of note paper sticking out of her fur. Nikki picked it out and read it. "We sold it to the lawyer." "What about that contraption you were building on the roof?" Suki flipped over revealing another note in her fur which read "What contraption? Were such a device real, we've also moved and reinstalled it here." Nikki looked confused. "But what about..." Suki batted a third note out of her fur with her tail.
The third note read "The answers to the rest of your questions:"
"Security"
"Russians"
"Laser tracking"
"Scrambler"
"Nuclear Reactor"
"Salt Mine"
"Mole People"
"Ninja Hunting Season"
"3-4-2-1"
"Classified"
"Meow"
Nikki nodded. "Good enough for me, I call dibs on this side of the estate" she said as she ran inside too. Ethan groaned and followed her in.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Chapter 30: Service Deficient
The waitress waited patiently to take the drink orders of the group. Ethan started first with ordering of drinks. "Can I get a sweet tea?" Nikki and Ralph ordered the same thing.
Myrna was next to order. "I'd like a water please."
The waitress responded "What type would you like, we have bottled, tap, sewer and dirty dishwater."
Myrna thought for a moment. "I'll get the tap water today."
Amber said "I'll get a water too, sewer water for me please."
Jade and Anna both tried to order at the same time "I'll get a hot tea" which was actually kind of cute. They both threw each other nasty glares and proceeded to flick each other in the head till the waitress lost interest.
Millie was last to order. "I'd like a sweat tea myself."
The waitress looked up from her pad. "I'm sorry miss, we're out of sweat tea."
"But they ordered sweat tea just a moment ago. What about hot tea?"
"Yeah all out of that too, sorry."
Millie looked dejected. "Oh uh how about some water, whatever water you have is fine."
"Actually we don't have any water either."
Ethan interrupted. "So are you saying none of us can get drinks?"
The waitress turned to him. "No, you all are fine, we can get you the drinks you wanted."
Millie frowned. "Well in that case, what can I get?"
"I just finished changing the oil in my car before I made that other table's food and the old oil in a big puddle out in the parking lot."
Millie said "OK I'll take that." The waitress handed her a straw and an empty cup and pointed her towards the door. Millie wandered outside with the straw and cup in hand. Around the time that Millie returned, the waitress had come back with all the drinks.
Nikki seeing Amber's drink said "Hey you got lucky Amber, your drink still has glowing chunks of unrecognized sewer debris, some days it's better then others I guess."
The waitress asked "Are you all ready to order?"
"Yeah I think we're ready." The group proceeded to take turns ordering their elaborate meals. All the while, the waitress seemed to be busy writing things down on her little pad. Right as the waitress was turning to leave, Ethan spoke again. "I'm sorry, I hate to ask but you were not writing all that much down on your pad as we ordered, can I see what you wrote?" Without waiting, he snatched the pad from her hands and looked at it. All that was on the pad was a cute little drawing of a fat roundish cow with big eyes and a little chat bubble that said 'Moo?'. "This doesn't look like our order."
The waitress said "Oh its all up here" as she pointed at her head.
"Then why bother bringing a pad to the table?"
"I like to draw comical pictures of cows when I'm taking orders" she again responded."
Ethan didn't have a that great of a reply to that and just let it go. "Carry on then."
She came back with hot food 10 minutes later for everyone except Ralph. While everyone else was chowing down, Ralph watched the waitress take his plate over to a table with a redneck and a baboon at it and placed it in front of the redneck. He turned and said "I didn't order this, but I'll eat it" and then fell face first into the plate. Moments later, he came up for air and said "No seriously get my real food."
Ralph flagged down the waitress. "Excuse me, I think you just gave my food to that guy over at that table who even said wasn't what he ordered."
She frowned and looked at the check with the picture of the cow on it. "According to this, it was supposed to go to table 9, you're sitting at table 7."
Ralph looked a little distraught. "How can you tell that's table 9, you're just making up the table numbers aren't you?"
She nodded. She walked over to the other table and picked up the plate with a big impression of a rednecks face in the middle and brought it over placing it in front of Ralph. He frowned say "He put his face in it, I'd like a fresh plate."
She took the plate away and went to the kitchen to cook up another plate. In the time she was away, the baboon got up and paid the check and left soon after with the redneck leaving an empty table. A few minutes later, the waitress came out with a fresh plate of what Ralph had ordered and brought it over to the same table they redneck and baboon had been sitting at earlier placing the plate down on the empty table. She then looked at her check pad, looked around confused, then face-planted her face into the food before dumping it in the trash.
On her way past the table, Ralph, having witnessed the death of his plate of food again, flagged her over. "Excuse me but you took my food to the wrong table again which apparently doesn't even have people at it anymore and although that could still have been corrected, you destroyed. Can I get my food tonight or not, try to bring it to our table this time."
She looked at her check pad and asked "Are you sure you ordered something? That food was for table 9, I'm sure of it."
Ralph groaned. "What did I tell you about playing make-believe. Bring me my food please, I'm very hungry."
She disappeared into the kitchen and again returned with a plate of food supposedly meant for Ralph. She walked up to the table, extended her hands with the food and dropped the plate a foot too far away from the table. The food, plate and all plummeted to the floor before exploding is a mess at her feet. She stood there dumbfounded for a second or two looking up at Ralph, the table, and the mess on the floor before speaking. "Oh right, on the table." Ralph nodded irritated. She wondered back into the kitchen muttering about how 'it was meant for another table' and that she 'didn't understand where the problem was'.
The fourth plate meant for Ralph actually did make it to him. At this point everyone had already finished and were just starting at him as he ate. Everyone else paid for their meal except Ralph. When it was his turn, he walked over to the register. She rung up his meal four times bringing his total to some completely unreasonable amount. He calmly reached down and unplugged the register, pushed it onto the grill and walked out the door.
After everyone was outside, they turned around just in time to see the waitress running around the restaurant frantically, apparently on fire. Everyone was a little confused about how that happened to come to pass but decided it was better not to press the issue.
Before everyone parted ways for the evening, Ralph said "I love eating here, the service is superb."
Myrna was next to order. "I'd like a water please."
The waitress responded "What type would you like, we have bottled, tap, sewer and dirty dishwater."
Myrna thought for a moment. "I'll get the tap water today."
Amber said "I'll get a water too, sewer water for me please."
Jade and Anna both tried to order at the same time "I'll get a hot tea" which was actually kind of cute. They both threw each other nasty glares and proceeded to flick each other in the head till the waitress lost interest.
Millie was last to order. "I'd like a sweat tea myself."
The waitress looked up from her pad. "I'm sorry miss, we're out of sweat tea."
"But they ordered sweat tea just a moment ago. What about hot tea?"
"Yeah all out of that too, sorry."
Millie looked dejected. "Oh uh how about some water, whatever water you have is fine."
"Actually we don't have any water either."
Ethan interrupted. "So are you saying none of us can get drinks?"
The waitress turned to him. "No, you all are fine, we can get you the drinks you wanted."
Millie frowned. "Well in that case, what can I get?"
"I just finished changing the oil in my car before I made that other table's food and the old oil in a big puddle out in the parking lot."
Millie said "OK I'll take that." The waitress handed her a straw and an empty cup and pointed her towards the door. Millie wandered outside with the straw and cup in hand. Around the time that Millie returned, the waitress had come back with all the drinks.
Nikki seeing Amber's drink said "Hey you got lucky Amber, your drink still has glowing chunks of unrecognized sewer debris, some days it's better then others I guess."
The waitress asked "Are you all ready to order?"
"Yeah I think we're ready." The group proceeded to take turns ordering their elaborate meals. All the while, the waitress seemed to be busy writing things down on her little pad. Right as the waitress was turning to leave, Ethan spoke again. "I'm sorry, I hate to ask but you were not writing all that much down on your pad as we ordered, can I see what you wrote?" Without waiting, he snatched the pad from her hands and looked at it. All that was on the pad was a cute little drawing of a fat roundish cow with big eyes and a little chat bubble that said 'Moo?'. "This doesn't look like our order."
The waitress said "Oh its all up here" as she pointed at her head.
"Then why bother bringing a pad to the table?"
"I like to draw comical pictures of cows when I'm taking orders" she again responded."
Ethan didn't have a that great of a reply to that and just let it go. "Carry on then."
She came back with hot food 10 minutes later for everyone except Ralph. While everyone else was chowing down, Ralph watched the waitress take his plate over to a table with a redneck and a baboon at it and placed it in front of the redneck. He turned and said "I didn't order this, but I'll eat it" and then fell face first into the plate. Moments later, he came up for air and said "No seriously get my real food."
Ralph flagged down the waitress. "Excuse me, I think you just gave my food to that guy over at that table who even said wasn't what he ordered."
She frowned and looked at the check with the picture of the cow on it. "According to this, it was supposed to go to table 9, you're sitting at table 7."
Ralph looked a little distraught. "How can you tell that's table 9, you're just making up the table numbers aren't you?"
She nodded. She walked over to the other table and picked up the plate with a big impression of a rednecks face in the middle and brought it over placing it in front of Ralph. He frowned say "He put his face in it, I'd like a fresh plate."
She took the plate away and went to the kitchen to cook up another plate. In the time she was away, the baboon got up and paid the check and left soon after with the redneck leaving an empty table. A few minutes later, the waitress came out with a fresh plate of what Ralph had ordered and brought it over to the same table they redneck and baboon had been sitting at earlier placing the plate down on the empty table. She then looked at her check pad, looked around confused, then face-planted her face into the food before dumping it in the trash.
On her way past the table, Ralph, having witnessed the death of his plate of food again, flagged her over. "Excuse me but you took my food to the wrong table again which apparently doesn't even have people at it anymore and although that could still have been corrected, you destroyed. Can I get my food tonight or not, try to bring it to our table this time."
She looked at her check pad and asked "Are you sure you ordered something? That food was for table 9, I'm sure of it."
Ralph groaned. "What did I tell you about playing make-believe. Bring me my food please, I'm very hungry."
She disappeared into the kitchen and again returned with a plate of food supposedly meant for Ralph. She walked up to the table, extended her hands with the food and dropped the plate a foot too far away from the table. The food, plate and all plummeted to the floor before exploding is a mess at her feet. She stood there dumbfounded for a second or two looking up at Ralph, the table, and the mess on the floor before speaking. "Oh right, on the table." Ralph nodded irritated. She wondered back into the kitchen muttering about how 'it was meant for another table' and that she 'didn't understand where the problem was'.
The fourth plate meant for Ralph actually did make it to him. At this point everyone had already finished and were just starting at him as he ate. Everyone else paid for their meal except Ralph. When it was his turn, he walked over to the register. She rung up his meal four times bringing his total to some completely unreasonable amount. He calmly reached down and unplugged the register, pushed it onto the grill and walked out the door.
After everyone was outside, they turned around just in time to see the waitress running around the restaurant frantically, apparently on fire. Everyone was a little confused about how that happened to come to pass but decided it was better not to press the issue.
Before everyone parted ways for the evening, Ralph said "I love eating here, the service is superb."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Chapter 29: Huddled Together
Jade slammed the phone hard against the wall before yelling something incoherent into it that sounded something like "Mom always liked me best!". She then dropped the phone into the toilet and flushed.
Nikki came running up the stairs to Jade. "What's wrong dear?"
Jade looked over at Nikki as she approached. "Nothing, Anna just called and suggested maybe we all go to Huddled Waffle Hut. I do hope she's not implying there's anything wrong with my cooking."
Ethan whispered to Nikki "Crisis narrowly averted".
Jade yelled "Are you talking about me!?"
"No no, just commenting on the fact the toilet is backing up because it has some sort of foreign object stuck in it." Ethan then got up, winked to Nikki, and wadded through the forming puddle in the bathroom. Moments later he returned with a soaking phone, and hung it back up on the receiver. It made a very unconvincing gurgled beep, followed by a couple of sparks and then burst into flames.
"That doesn't normally do that" Nikki added. "Could you be a dear and put that out Ethan?" Ethan grabbed the vase on the bookshelf nearby and dumped it on the flames to put them out.
Jade continued "We'll need to leave in a couple minutes, want to take one car?" Nikki and Ethan nodded and the headed for the door. "Kids, stay out of trouble while we're gone." Tigerlily came lumbering out of one of the bedrooms and looked up at Jade with a mean stare before eating some of the discarded flowers from the vase. "I'll take that as a 'Yes Jade'".
The three of them moved outside towards the car. Nikki declared playfully as they approached the HUMV, "I call shotgun!"
Ethan yelled "And I call roof!"
Jade frowned and said in the least excited voice she could "Yay, I guess that means I'm driving."
Ethan laughed. "Not necessarily".
Jade seemed to ponder this for a moment. "No I think I better, considering the alternatives do not seem very appealing."
After a quick drive to the local Huddled Waffle Hut, Jade, Nikki, and Ethan piled out of the vehicle and headed towards the building. As they reached the door, Ethan paused to straighten his wind-blown hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone waving frantically. Anna was sitting at a table inside with four other people, Amber, Millie, a guy and another girl. Making his way to the table, Ethan looked at the guy and said "Who the hell are you?".
The man looked up at him and frowned with a hurt look on his face. "Ethan! It's me Ralph, you've known me for like three years now." Ralph watched as Ethan's gaze moved to the girl sitting next to him. "And don't tell me you also forgot Myrna!"
Ethan looked back at Ralph and then back at Myrna. He then seemed to be thinking about something for a moment before his demeanor got noticeably more friendly. "No I didn't forget, I was just ...kidding." He then took a seat at the table and started to page through the menu.
"You're not actually looking at the menu are you?" Nikki asked. "You always order the same thing, always!"
He responded "I like to look at all of the 'could have been' meals just so they don't feel my neglect for them."
Ralph looked up from his menu. "Someone will order these items one day, today's not their day though."
Amber kicked Ethan in the knee. Ethan, semi-annoyed, asked "What do you want?"
Amber smiled innocently. "I'm currently experiencing tough times and am unable to conjure up enough funding to cover the expense of the meal we're about to consume. This being the case, I am in fact in search of an alternative means to cover the cost of the food I would like to eat."
Ethan commented sarcastically "I hear they're hiring cheap labor in the salt mines below the restaurant for anyone that can't cover their bill. You sound like a prime candidate for such an opportunity."
"You know as lucrative as that may sound, maybe someone would be able to cover the cost of my food for me so I don't have to join the workforce of mole people in the depths below."
"Yeah you'll have to find someone to help you out. If you're trying to get me to offer, all you have to do is ask. Amber repeat after me, 'Ethan, can you lend me some money so I can eat tonight?'
Amber groaned. "Alright fine, Ethan, can you lend me some money so I can eat tonight?"
"No!" Ethan laughed aloud. He then noticed that Jade was giving him the 'death glare', the stare that has killed many lesser men. "Oh um yeah alright I'll help you out this time."
It was at this time, the waitress came around to the table. "Welcome to Huddled Waffle Hut, can I get your drink orders please?"
Nikki came running up the stairs to Jade. "What's wrong dear?"
Jade looked over at Nikki as she approached. "Nothing, Anna just called and suggested maybe we all go to Huddled Waffle Hut. I do hope she's not implying there's anything wrong with my cooking."
Ethan whispered to Nikki "Crisis narrowly averted".
Jade yelled "Are you talking about me!?"
"No no, just commenting on the fact the toilet is backing up because it has some sort of foreign object stuck in it." Ethan then got up, winked to Nikki, and wadded through the forming puddle in the bathroom. Moments later he returned with a soaking phone, and hung it back up on the receiver. It made a very unconvincing gurgled beep, followed by a couple of sparks and then burst into flames.
"That doesn't normally do that" Nikki added. "Could you be a dear and put that out Ethan?" Ethan grabbed the vase on the bookshelf nearby and dumped it on the flames to put them out.
Jade continued "We'll need to leave in a couple minutes, want to take one car?" Nikki and Ethan nodded and the headed for the door. "Kids, stay out of trouble while we're gone." Tigerlily came lumbering out of one of the bedrooms and looked up at Jade with a mean stare before eating some of the discarded flowers from the vase. "I'll take that as a 'Yes Jade'".
The three of them moved outside towards the car. Nikki declared playfully as they approached the HUMV, "I call shotgun!"
Ethan yelled "And I call roof!"
Jade frowned and said in the least excited voice she could "Yay, I guess that means I'm driving."
Ethan laughed. "Not necessarily".
Jade seemed to ponder this for a moment. "No I think I better, considering the alternatives do not seem very appealing."
After a quick drive to the local Huddled Waffle Hut, Jade, Nikki, and Ethan piled out of the vehicle and headed towards the building. As they reached the door, Ethan paused to straighten his wind-blown hair. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone waving frantically. Anna was sitting at a table inside with four other people, Amber, Millie, a guy and another girl. Making his way to the table, Ethan looked at the guy and said "Who the hell are you?".
The man looked up at him and frowned with a hurt look on his face. "Ethan! It's me Ralph, you've known me for like three years now." Ralph watched as Ethan's gaze moved to the girl sitting next to him. "And don't tell me you also forgot Myrna!"
Ethan looked back at Ralph and then back at Myrna. He then seemed to be thinking about something for a moment before his demeanor got noticeably more friendly. "No I didn't forget, I was just ...kidding." He then took a seat at the table and started to page through the menu.
"You're not actually looking at the menu are you?" Nikki asked. "You always order the same thing, always!"
He responded "I like to look at all of the 'could have been' meals just so they don't feel my neglect for them."
Ralph looked up from his menu. "Someone will order these items one day, today's not their day though."
Amber kicked Ethan in the knee. Ethan, semi-annoyed, asked "What do you want?"
Amber smiled innocently. "I'm currently experiencing tough times and am unable to conjure up enough funding to cover the expense of the meal we're about to consume. This being the case, I am in fact in search of an alternative means to cover the cost of the food I would like to eat."
Ethan commented sarcastically "I hear they're hiring cheap labor in the salt mines below the restaurant for anyone that can't cover their bill. You sound like a prime candidate for such an opportunity."
"You know as lucrative as that may sound, maybe someone would be able to cover the cost of my food for me so I don't have to join the workforce of mole people in the depths below."
"Yeah you'll have to find someone to help you out. If you're trying to get me to offer, all you have to do is ask. Amber repeat after me, 'Ethan, can you lend me some money so I can eat tonight?'
Amber groaned. "Alright fine, Ethan, can you lend me some money so I can eat tonight?"
"No!" Ethan laughed aloud. He then noticed that Jade was giving him the 'death glare', the stare that has killed many lesser men. "Oh um yeah alright I'll help you out this time."
It was at this time, the waitress came around to the table. "Welcome to Huddled Waffle Hut, can I get your drink orders please?"
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Chapter 28: Game Over Man
"Hey Jade, come play this new game with me?" Ethan said as he tossed Jade one of the controllers. Jade wasn't quite prepared for the toss and instinctively deflected the foreign object as it approached her. Bouncing off her, the controller went sailing through the window behind the couch. "Or smash our window, that's a pretty fun game too."
"Give me a little more warning before you throw something at me next time" Jade growled slightly annoyed.
"Yeah alright, it's a good thing we keep a box of these things around" Ethan said as he grabbed another controller out of the cardboard box and handed it to Jade cautiously. "Have a seat" he said as he motioned Jade to sit down next to him on the couch.
"Jade, I'm sorry to ask this" Nikki cut in "but how long are you going to keep the Christmas tree up?" Nikki had been sitting quietly on the coach watching Ethan play the Playbox X-Station. "You had Ethan set it up a couple months ago and you ended up putting one string of lights and three mismatched ornaments on it. There it sat in its disheveled state till twenty days into January."
Jade responded "It wasn't really my fault, I contracted Leprosy and the Black Plaque at the same time that managed to counteract each other for the most part but made me allergic to artificial Christmas trees the whole time. Just as I was about to get better, I fell asleep one night and found myself in New Jersey when I woke up. So not wanting to miss an opportunity, I went to visit family."
Ethan paused his game for a second and commented "You were gone for like two weeks, we had forgot what your name was. We thought for the longest time it was Jeb or Jide."
Jade frowned. "Yeah see the thing is I contracted a case of 'forget where I live' from some hobo that was sleeping in the back of the HUMV. It took that long to remember where I lived to come home."
Nikki then said "Well we're glad you found your way back eventually. I did hear a rumor that New Jersey is going to change their motto to 'We're full, go away!' somewhere recently.
Jade added "I had heard that same rumor too. I wonder if that will come to pass because it's certainly appropriate. Speaking of which, my sister, Anna is coming over for dinner tomorrow with her friends. I want you two to be on your best behavior and try to keep the cats in line this time."
Ethan paused his game again and said "They do what they want to do, we're all just along for the ride."
"Well Cleopatra really looks up to you Ethan, so at least try to talk her into not causing any problems for Anna and her friends."
Not really paying all that much attention, Ethan responded "Yeah sure I'll talk to her about it in a few minutes." Jade and Nikki just looked at each other and shook their heads.
Jade looked at the television screen for the first time since she sat down and got a better look of the game that Ethan was playing. "What is this game exactly?" she asked.
Ethan seemed to pay a little more attention when he responded. "This is the massively popular online game 'World of Arts-and-Crafts' and my current top character is a level 65 Crochet Master. I also have a level 26 Pottery Maker I've been leveling up in my free time. I can't wait till the new expansion, Easy-Bake Dungeon, comes out next month. Nikki has been playing it too when she has free time."
"Yeah I've got a level 66 Crochet Master that took me way less time to level. I think Ethan just isn't very good at this game." Nikki grinned.
"You learned all the secrets from watching me play and then turned around and used that information to do a better job when it was your turn to play." Ethan sighed. "But yes you're higher level Crochet Master in less time."
"See its so much easier when you admit I'm awesome." Nikki poked Ethan in the head with two of her fingers.
Jade interrupted "Yes this game seems really interesting or whatever but it's getting late, I'm going to head to bed. I'm tired."
Nikki frowned. "We haven't even ate dinner yet. It's like 7pm right now."
"Oh yeah, lets do that first." Jade hurried into the kitchen to get dinner ready.
Nikki watching the game on the screen laughed when Ethan's character died all of a sudden. "You just got killed fighting what looked like a bowl of fruit salad." She laughed again at his expense. "Game Over Man, Game Over!"
"Give me a little more warning before you throw something at me next time" Jade growled slightly annoyed.
"Yeah alright, it's a good thing we keep a box of these things around" Ethan said as he grabbed another controller out of the cardboard box and handed it to Jade cautiously. "Have a seat" he said as he motioned Jade to sit down next to him on the couch.
"Jade, I'm sorry to ask this" Nikki cut in "but how long are you going to keep the Christmas tree up?" Nikki had been sitting quietly on the coach watching Ethan play the Playbox X-Station. "You had Ethan set it up a couple months ago and you ended up putting one string of lights and three mismatched ornaments on it. There it sat in its disheveled state till twenty days into January."
Jade responded "It wasn't really my fault, I contracted Leprosy and the Black Plaque at the same time that managed to counteract each other for the most part but made me allergic to artificial Christmas trees the whole time. Just as I was about to get better, I fell asleep one night and found myself in New Jersey when I woke up. So not wanting to miss an opportunity, I went to visit family."
Ethan paused his game for a second and commented "You were gone for like two weeks, we had forgot what your name was. We thought for the longest time it was Jeb or Jide."
Jade frowned. "Yeah see the thing is I contracted a case of 'forget where I live' from some hobo that was sleeping in the back of the HUMV. It took that long to remember where I lived to come home."
Nikki then said "Well we're glad you found your way back eventually. I did hear a rumor that New Jersey is going to change their motto to 'We're full, go away!' somewhere recently.
Jade added "I had heard that same rumor too. I wonder if that will come to pass because it's certainly appropriate. Speaking of which, my sister, Anna is coming over for dinner tomorrow with her friends. I want you two to be on your best behavior and try to keep the cats in line this time."
Ethan paused his game again and said "They do what they want to do, we're all just along for the ride."
"Well Cleopatra really looks up to you Ethan, so at least try to talk her into not causing any problems for Anna and her friends."
Not really paying all that much attention, Ethan responded "Yeah sure I'll talk to her about it in a few minutes." Jade and Nikki just looked at each other and shook their heads.
Jade looked at the television screen for the first time since she sat down and got a better look of the game that Ethan was playing. "What is this game exactly?" she asked.
Ethan seemed to pay a little more attention when he responded. "This is the massively popular online game 'World of Arts-and-Crafts' and my current top character is a level 65 Crochet Master. I also have a level 26 Pottery Maker I've been leveling up in my free time. I can't wait till the new expansion, Easy-Bake Dungeon, comes out next month. Nikki has been playing it too when she has free time."
"Yeah I've got a level 66 Crochet Master that took me way less time to level. I think Ethan just isn't very good at this game." Nikki grinned.
"You learned all the secrets from watching me play and then turned around and used that information to do a better job when it was your turn to play." Ethan sighed. "But yes you're higher level Crochet Master in less time."
"See its so much easier when you admit I'm awesome." Nikki poked Ethan in the head with two of her fingers.
Jade interrupted "Yes this game seems really interesting or whatever but it's getting late, I'm going to head to bed. I'm tired."
Nikki frowned. "We haven't even ate dinner yet. It's like 7pm right now."
"Oh yeah, lets do that first." Jade hurried into the kitchen to get dinner ready.
Nikki watching the game on the screen laughed when Ethan's character died all of a sudden. "You just got killed fighting what looked like a bowl of fruit salad." She laughed again at his expense. "Game Over Man, Game Over!"
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Chapter 27: Power Down
"So how was work today, you're home early" Jade asked as Ethan and Nikki came in the door.
"There was a slight change of plans, we had to evacuate the lab, rush everyone out, the whole nine yards" Ethan responded.
"Oh that does sound serious, what was the cause?" she asked.
Ethan shrugged and said "I wanted to go home."
"OK, well welcome home."
Ethan looked up the stairs and said "I think I'm going to hit up the Internet real quick and find out what's going on in the world." He then started towards the computer.
"Ethan!" Nikki shouted. Ethan turned back around. "Ethan, aren't you forgetting to tell Jade something?"
"Well lets see.." He paused for a minute thinking and then said simply "No I don't think so."
Nikki groaned. "How about the visitor you brought home with you from work?"
"Oh yeah him, Jade dear, Slash the Clown is going to be living in our shed as part of a government initiative, no Psychopath left behind or some such, I know you don't support our president because he's a chimp but pressure at work and all, Slash needed a good home. And besides he promised to keep all our power tools in good working order."
Jade looked at Nikki. Nikki shrugged and said "Don't look at me, I wasn't aware till we were almost home."
Jade frowned. "OK fine but if he causes us any problems at all, you may have to take him out back and shoot him. It's the most humane thing we can do in such a situation." She began to turn back towards the TV and was startled by a scary face in the window. "Holy crap!"
Ethan said "See look at that face, what's not to love about Slash?"
Jade was about to answer but Nikki interrupted. "Well it really is disconcerting the way he licks that knife blade all the time."
Ethan just shrugged the comment off. "It's his special way of showing his affection." Ethan then continued towards the computer.
Jade made an aggressive shoo motion at the window and Slash seemed to sink out of view. She then turned to Nikki and said "Everything go alright at the lab today?"
Nikki frowned. "A lot of the same stuff, they have signs all over the place to help avoid the common problems that come up but there's some universal law that people will do the last thing they should. I think we had an issue with one of the walls which kind of threw Ethan for a loop but things seem to have settled down again. Did you know that the lab has full lethal defense mechanisms in place?"
"It is college, people can get out of hand sometimes especially when beer is involved" she responded.
Nikki nodded. Ethan suddenly commented aloud "According to this, Goggle's satellite service has received more then five hundred thousand visits to the satellite image of our home in the last couple days. Isn't that, oh hey look my favorite web comics got updated?"
Nikki and Jade looked at each other. "He really doesn't get it does he?"
"Nope"
Just then, the lights flickered a couple times on and off before stabilizing. Nikki asked "What's going on?"
Jade responded "The cats are building something on the roof and I think whatever it is might be drawing a little more power then the circuits can hold."
Nikki yelled towards the ceiling "Cleo, if you bypass the house power box and connect directly to the incoming power line, you'll fix your power consumption limitations. Moments later, Cleopatra came jogging down the stairs, rubbed against Nikki's legs a couple times, squeaked a meow at her and jogged back up the stairs.
Moments later there was a soft buzzing noise heard from the roof that seemed to build up to a constant loud rumbling. Jade asked "Ethan can you maybe investigate why our house seems to be getting so many hits on the satellite imaging service?"
Ethan looked up, "What, oh right yeah sure let me pull it ..." At that moment the lights went out through out the house for about 5 seconds accompanied by a whooshing noise from the roof. When the lights came back on, all of the rumbling and buzzing was gone. "Give me a second to reload the website." Ethan turned a couple seconds later and said "The satellite is apparently offline now, must be a problem with the website, though goggle is pretty good about keeping their pages active.
Jade walked to the window just in time to watch a falling star shooting across the sky and landing somewhere in the distance. She then said as she shook her head "I suppose its time to feed the cats." Moments later, all three came running down the stairs and followed Jade to the kitchen.
"There was a slight change of plans, we had to evacuate the lab, rush everyone out, the whole nine yards" Ethan responded.
"Oh that does sound serious, what was the cause?" she asked.
Ethan shrugged and said "I wanted to go home."
"OK, well welcome home."
Ethan looked up the stairs and said "I think I'm going to hit up the Internet real quick and find out what's going on in the world." He then started towards the computer.
"Ethan!" Nikki shouted. Ethan turned back around. "Ethan, aren't you forgetting to tell Jade something?"
"Well lets see.." He paused for a minute thinking and then said simply "No I don't think so."
Nikki groaned. "How about the visitor you brought home with you from work?"
"Oh yeah him, Jade dear, Slash the Clown is going to be living in our shed as part of a government initiative, no Psychopath left behind or some such, I know you don't support our president because he's a chimp but pressure at work and all, Slash needed a good home. And besides he promised to keep all our power tools in good working order."
Jade looked at Nikki. Nikki shrugged and said "Don't look at me, I wasn't aware till we were almost home."
Jade frowned. "OK fine but if he causes us any problems at all, you may have to take him out back and shoot him. It's the most humane thing we can do in such a situation." She began to turn back towards the TV and was startled by a scary face in the window. "Holy crap!"
Ethan said "See look at that face, what's not to love about Slash?"
Jade was about to answer but Nikki interrupted. "Well it really is disconcerting the way he licks that knife blade all the time."
Ethan just shrugged the comment off. "It's his special way of showing his affection." Ethan then continued towards the computer.
Jade made an aggressive shoo motion at the window and Slash seemed to sink out of view. She then turned to Nikki and said "Everything go alright at the lab today?"
Nikki frowned. "A lot of the same stuff, they have signs all over the place to help avoid the common problems that come up but there's some universal law that people will do the last thing they should. I think we had an issue with one of the walls which kind of threw Ethan for a loop but things seem to have settled down again. Did you know that the lab has full lethal defense mechanisms in place?"
"It is college, people can get out of hand sometimes especially when beer is involved" she responded.
Nikki nodded. Ethan suddenly commented aloud "According to this, Goggle's satellite service has received more then five hundred thousand visits to the satellite image of our home in the last couple days. Isn't that, oh hey look my favorite web comics got updated?"
Nikki and Jade looked at each other. "He really doesn't get it does he?"
"Nope"
Just then, the lights flickered a couple times on and off before stabilizing. Nikki asked "What's going on?"
Jade responded "The cats are building something on the roof and I think whatever it is might be drawing a little more power then the circuits can hold."
Nikki yelled towards the ceiling "Cleo, if you bypass the house power box and connect directly to the incoming power line, you'll fix your power consumption limitations. Moments later, Cleopatra came jogging down the stairs, rubbed against Nikki's legs a couple times, squeaked a meow at her and jogged back up the stairs.
Moments later there was a soft buzzing noise heard from the roof that seemed to build up to a constant loud rumbling. Jade asked "Ethan can you maybe investigate why our house seems to be getting so many hits on the satellite imaging service?"
Ethan looked up, "What, oh right yeah sure let me pull it ..." At that moment the lights went out through out the house for about 5 seconds accompanied by a whooshing noise from the roof. When the lights came back on, all of the rumbling and buzzing was gone. "Give me a second to reload the website." Ethan turned a couple seconds later and said "The satellite is apparently offline now, must be a problem with the website, though goggle is pretty good about keeping their pages active.
Jade walked to the window just in time to watch a falling star shooting across the sky and landing somewhere in the distance. She then said as she shook her head "I suppose its time to feed the cats." Moments later, all three came running down the stairs and followed Jade to the kitchen.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Chapter 26: The Russians
Zane spoke "First off, I'm dying to ask, you Russians say you're the bad guys, and you've attempted to hire me for consulting purposes, which indirectly makes me the bad guy too. Why is it I'm always made out to be the bad guy. I'm like-able aren't I?"
"Nyet, you are lawyer, no one like lawyer, ever" said Agent Leon.
"I'm honest though?"
"Again Nyet, nothing in your residence was paid for, not even the house which is registered to a Mr. Killme Antakemihous. Supposedly Mr. Antakemihous went missing around the time you moved in according to our Intel."
"Uh well see the thing is he was dead when I found him. And I thought hey don't let a good house go to waste especially since I went through the trouble of killing...err...finding his body, his memory could live on if I used the residence as my own." Zane looked around uneasy. "You make a compelling argument though, how can I be of assistance?"
"Yes we monitor The Two here. It is project assigned to us by Mother Russia and we jump at opportunity to recruit inside man to assist with our mission. You will help us to lure them into trap so we may capture them to harness their combined power."
Zane looked doubtful. "Why not go straight for them. You obviously had the resources to find me, why not just nab them and be done with it?"
"Ah is easy question, protected by three guardians." Agent Nickolas pulled up the image of three cats on one of the large monitors in the room. These are quite formidable enemy guardians, especially the little grey one."
Zane groaned and rubbed his head. "You have no idea, that little one was the cause of the hole in my, err Mr. Antakemihous's residence. I can't prove anything but I think they were trying to kill me when they were over a couple days ago."
"Nyet, we know first hand what guardians capable of, they originally work for Russians many years ago, but defect and now work for The Two. Very skilled in weapon use and explosives. Also highly trained fighters. Little grey one recently tap into Russian resources to gain access to surplus rocket launchers, cause much havoc. We send strike team to deal with problem, destroy their vehicle, but very elusive these guardians are and they escape attack, big thorn in our side for many years now. They were once trusted comrades, now some of Russia's most dangerous enemies. That is why project so important."
"Actually that does explain a lot, I felt like their actions had a certain organized feel to it you only ever find in trained soldiers." Zane looked up at another one of the monitors which seem to be a satellite view of Jade, Nikki, and Ethan's house. "So you have Russian satellites monitoring them then?"
"Nyet, that monitor is connected to Goggle Planet, is much better then Russian satellite resources. We have not unlocked ability to activate laser capabilities Goggle satellite has. We Russians amazed rest of world let Goggle take it over so easily. Goggle claims they are not evil, Russia ready to surrender if they ever decide to become evil. All of Russia already use their email client, gives great storage space capacity for all Russian secrets."
"So what do I have to do to help you?" Zane asked still confused on what part he was to play.
"You will bring Russian tracking device and place on The Two and attempt to lure them into a location where the guardians can not help them. Here is tracking device." Agent Leon pointed at a large helmet with a small satellite dish mounted on the top.
"Is that the best you have, its a little..I don't know, obvious, it looks heavy too. Yeah this thing weighs like 10 pounds, putting that on their head without them noticing would be impossible."
"OK tracking device maybe not feasible, always good to ask though."
Zane continued "And have you tried to grab them while they're at work?"
"Nyet, the lab The Two work at has great combat defense capabilities. Would be suicide mission for sure, Russians not like being shot at."
"I can't imagine why not" Zane said sarcastically.
"Because it would kill us."
Zane dropped his head into his hands. "OK well you answered my question at least. So what is all this equipment doing then?"
"Nothing really, its mostly for show, we sometimes use the big screen to play pong on, is latest hit in Russia, is state of the art game technology."
Zane thought for a moment. "I am in need of your restroom"
"Right this way" Agent Nickolas said leading him to the restrooms, a set of two doors, one marked "Comrade" and the other marked "Comradette".
Zane immediately after he was alone in the restroom pried open the air vent in the ceiling and climbed into the air ducts making his way through the maze until he found himself outside. "With allies like that, who needs enemies, oh look they left their vehicle out in the open where anyone could break the window, hot wire it and drive it away."
A couple hours later, Agents Leon and Nickolas are standing at the entrance to the restroom looking at each other occasionally saying "He'll probably be finished soon." "Ya any minute now".
"Nyet, you are lawyer, no one like lawyer, ever" said Agent Leon.
"I'm honest though?"
"Again Nyet, nothing in your residence was paid for, not even the house which is registered to a Mr. Killme Antakemihous. Supposedly Mr. Antakemihous went missing around the time you moved in according to our Intel."
"Uh well see the thing is he was dead when I found him. And I thought hey don't let a good house go to waste especially since I went through the trouble of killing...err...finding his body, his memory could live on if I used the residence as my own." Zane looked around uneasy. "You make a compelling argument though, how can I be of assistance?"
"Yes we monitor The Two here. It is project assigned to us by Mother Russia and we jump at opportunity to recruit inside man to assist with our mission. You will help us to lure them into trap so we may capture them to harness their combined power."
Zane looked doubtful. "Why not go straight for them. You obviously had the resources to find me, why not just nab them and be done with it?"
"Ah is easy question, protected by three guardians." Agent Nickolas pulled up the image of three cats on one of the large monitors in the room. These are quite formidable enemy guardians, especially the little grey one."
Zane groaned and rubbed his head. "You have no idea, that little one was the cause of the hole in my, err Mr. Antakemihous's residence. I can't prove anything but I think they were trying to kill me when they were over a couple days ago."
"Nyet, we know first hand what guardians capable of, they originally work for Russians many years ago, but defect and now work for The Two. Very skilled in weapon use and explosives. Also highly trained fighters. Little grey one recently tap into Russian resources to gain access to surplus rocket launchers, cause much havoc. We send strike team to deal with problem, destroy their vehicle, but very elusive these guardians are and they escape attack, big thorn in our side for many years now. They were once trusted comrades, now some of Russia's most dangerous enemies. That is why project so important."
"Actually that does explain a lot, I felt like their actions had a certain organized feel to it you only ever find in trained soldiers." Zane looked up at another one of the monitors which seem to be a satellite view of Jade, Nikki, and Ethan's house. "So you have Russian satellites monitoring them then?"
"Nyet, that monitor is connected to Goggle Planet, is much better then Russian satellite resources. We have not unlocked ability to activate laser capabilities Goggle satellite has. We Russians amazed rest of world let Goggle take it over so easily. Goggle claims they are not evil, Russia ready to surrender if they ever decide to become evil. All of Russia already use their email client, gives great storage space capacity for all Russian secrets."
"So what do I have to do to help you?" Zane asked still confused on what part he was to play.
"You will bring Russian tracking device and place on The Two and attempt to lure them into a location where the guardians can not help them. Here is tracking device." Agent Leon pointed at a large helmet with a small satellite dish mounted on the top.
"Is that the best you have, its a little..I don't know, obvious, it looks heavy too. Yeah this thing weighs like 10 pounds, putting that on their head without them noticing would be impossible."
"OK tracking device maybe not feasible, always good to ask though."
Zane continued "And have you tried to grab them while they're at work?"
"Nyet, the lab The Two work at has great combat defense capabilities. Would be suicide mission for sure, Russians not like being shot at."
"I can't imagine why not" Zane said sarcastically.
"Because it would kill us."
Zane dropped his head into his hands. "OK well you answered my question at least. So what is all this equipment doing then?"
"Nothing really, its mostly for show, we sometimes use the big screen to play pong on, is latest hit in Russia, is state of the art game technology."
Zane thought for a moment. "I am in need of your restroom"
"Right this way" Agent Nickolas said leading him to the restrooms, a set of two doors, one marked "Comrade" and the other marked "Comradette".
Zane immediately after he was alone in the restroom pried open the air vent in the ceiling and climbed into the air ducts making his way through the maze until he found himself outside. "With allies like that, who needs enemies, oh look they left their vehicle out in the open where anyone could break the window, hot wire it and drive it away."
A couple hours later, Agents Leon and Nickolas are standing at the entrance to the restroom looking at each other occasionally saying "He'll probably be finished soon." "Ya any minute now".
Monday, January 21, 2008
Chapter 24: Broken Wall
Ethan looked around perplexed. He felt like he had been stuck in a pose at work for more then two weeks which is undoubtedly a fate worse then death. He pulled a copy of the script out from underneath the table and noticed that there was in fact more written on the pages after the scene he had just finished. "Oh good, we get to continue!" He muttered something about a writer's strike or some such nonsense.
Slowly his gaze turned towards all the people watching him from behind their computer screens. "What?" They kept watching as he inched his way 'inconspicuously' over to one of the cleansing barrels throughout the lab and dropped the script into it. The last piece of evidence was gone and he was again home free. "What are you staring at?" he asked but everyone just kept watching.
He walked calmly over to the phone and started to place a call. A few moments later, whoever he called picked up and he started to talk. To everyone else in the computer lab, they could only hear what he was saying.
"Hey its me. We got a problem". . . . . . . . . .
"The fourth wall" . . . . . . . . . .
"Yeah someone broke it, and they're all staring at me, what should I do?". . . . . . . . . .
"I had one, but I burned it, it was evidence". . . . . . . . . .
"No I'll ask."
Ethan looked up and asked Nikki "Do you have your own copy?" Nikki shook her head. Ethan frowned and continued to talk on the phone.
"She was using my copy". . . . . . . . . .
"Before I burned it, I remember glancing over something about Russians". . . . . . . . . .
"Well I didn't look what page it was, I just wanted to know if anything else was in there". . . . . . . . . .
"So what, should we just wing it?". . . . . . . . . .
"What's the worst that could happen? Obviously you haven't been keeping track". . . . . . . . . .
"Really?. . . . . . . . . .
"Yes yes death to the infidels!". . . . . . . . . .
"No I realize that didn't make any sense, I just wanted to say it again.". . . . . . . . . .
"Well it keeps the lab patrons in line.". . . . . . . . . .
"Actually if we're kind of just going to deviate from the plan, I think I know just where to start.". . . . . . . . . .
"Ok I have to go, we're about to kick things up a notch". . . . . . . . . .
"Yes it does sound foreboding, that's why I can't keep everyone waiting". . . . . . . . . .
"Ok bye!"
Ethan hung up the phone and smiled. "Labs Closed! Get out!" he shouted at the patrons. "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."
One of the patrons spun around in their chair and said "I'm not finished yet and your posted closing time isn't for another 3 hours. I have to get this done today because I've decided to not work on it the whole semester even though it's at the top of the syllabus. Its due tomorrow and I've got 30 more pages to write which I've decided not to save even once until I'm finished completely."
Ethan looked in that patron's direction. "You make a convincing point, allow me to submit my counterpoint if I may." He then reached under the Lab Assistant desk and pressed a hidden red button. All over the lab, gun turrets popped out of the ceiling and started to auto-track the now fleeing patrons. "Lab's closed! If anyone else wishes to debate it, I'll hit the other button and we all know what would happen next"
"You won't use it!" the patron challenged. Ethan pointed a laser pointer at the computer the patron was using which attracted a number of turrets. They opened fire decimating his computer and most of the desk with a barrage of bullets. The patron got up and on his way out said "Good point sir, lab is closed."
Nikki laughed. "You have a way with words Ethan, or a way with automatic tracking gun turrets at least. I didn't even know you had that capacity in here."
"We only have to use them during exams and fire drills when everyone just keeps working even when we try to get them to leave." Ethan waited till the lab was empty except him and Nikki before retracting the guns and heading towards the exit with her.
"This is going to be a rough trip home" Nikki said as they left the building. "I know, things get weird whenever we deviate from what is expected of us."
"I think at this point, what isn't expected of us would be something normal" Ethan countered. "Speaking of which, its getting really breezy in there. Someone should really fix that wall."
Slowly his gaze turned towards all the people watching him from behind their computer screens. "What?" They kept watching as he inched his way 'inconspicuously' over to one of the cleansing barrels throughout the lab and dropped the script into it. The last piece of evidence was gone and he was again home free. "What are you staring at?" he asked but everyone just kept watching.
He walked calmly over to the phone and started to place a call. A few moments later, whoever he called picked up and he started to talk. To everyone else in the computer lab, they could only hear what he was saying.
"Hey its me. We got a problem". . . . . . . . . .
"The fourth wall" . . . . . . . . . .
"Yeah someone broke it, and they're all staring at me, what should I do?". . . . . . . . . .
"I had one, but I burned it, it was evidence". . . . . . . . . .
"No I'll ask."
Ethan looked up and asked Nikki "Do you have your own copy?" Nikki shook her head. Ethan frowned and continued to talk on the phone.
"She was using my copy". . . . . . . . . .
"Before I burned it, I remember glancing over something about Russians". . . . . . . . . .
"Well I didn't look what page it was, I just wanted to know if anything else was in there". . . . . . . . . .
"So what, should we just wing it?". . . . . . . . . .
"What's the worst that could happen? Obviously you haven't been keeping track". . . . . . . . . .
"Really?. . . . . . . . . .
"Yes yes death to the infidels!". . . . . . . . . .
"No I realize that didn't make any sense, I just wanted to say it again.". . . . . . . . . .
"Well it keeps the lab patrons in line.". . . . . . . . . .
"Actually if we're kind of just going to deviate from the plan, I think I know just where to start.". . . . . . . . . .
"Ok I have to go, we're about to kick things up a notch". . . . . . . . . .
"Yes it does sound foreboding, that's why I can't keep everyone waiting". . . . . . . . . .
"Ok bye!"
Ethan hung up the phone and smiled. "Labs Closed! Get out!" he shouted at the patrons. "You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."
One of the patrons spun around in their chair and said "I'm not finished yet and your posted closing time isn't for another 3 hours. I have to get this done today because I've decided to not work on it the whole semester even though it's at the top of the syllabus. Its due tomorrow and I've got 30 more pages to write which I've decided not to save even once until I'm finished completely."
Ethan looked in that patron's direction. "You make a convincing point, allow me to submit my counterpoint if I may." He then reached under the Lab Assistant desk and pressed a hidden red button. All over the lab, gun turrets popped out of the ceiling and started to auto-track the now fleeing patrons. "Lab's closed! If anyone else wishes to debate it, I'll hit the other button and we all know what would happen next"
"You won't use it!" the patron challenged. Ethan pointed a laser pointer at the computer the patron was using which attracted a number of turrets. They opened fire decimating his computer and most of the desk with a barrage of bullets. The patron got up and on his way out said "Good point sir, lab is closed."
Nikki laughed. "You have a way with words Ethan, or a way with automatic tracking gun turrets at least. I didn't even know you had that capacity in here."
"We only have to use them during exams and fire drills when everyone just keeps working even when we try to get them to leave." Ethan waited till the lab was empty except him and Nikki before retracting the guns and heading towards the exit with her.
"This is going to be a rough trip home" Nikki said as they left the building. "I know, things get weird whenever we deviate from what is expected of us."
"I think at this point, what isn't expected of us would be something normal" Ethan countered. "Speaking of which, its getting really breezy in there. Someone should really fix that wall."
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