Chapter 41: Breaking News

An announcer voice announced in an uncaring monotone voice "This is the 4:29 pm Action News with anchors Sarah Andrews and Mike McKenzie, the only news program in ... you know what, nobody cares, we don't have any viewers, this was supposed to be an internship. Now my life is ruined forever. No one will hire me because I worked for this sinking boat of a show.. I hate my life."

Mike sat at the news desk looking excitedly at the camera. "Welcome to the 4:29 Action News. Standing in for Sarah today because she's come down with a bad case of being arrested, is the KillTron 5000.

"EXTERMINATE ALL LIFE!"

Mike laughed. "You're such a kidder KillTron, and might I add you're way more pleasant then Sarah ever was. I feel safe around you even."

"LOADING WEAPONS SYSTEMS!"

Mike continued "On to our first story, all across the state today, hunters were lining up to pick up their hunting licenses for the opening of this years Velociraptor Hunting Season. Remote Correspondent Elwood Belford has the story, Elwood?"

"Yes, thank you Mike. As you can see, I'm standing on the edge of the woods here and there seems to be a steady stream of hunters showing up for this season's hunt. As of yet, I have not seen any hunters return, and coupled with occasional screams, no doubt of joy of the hunt, it must be quite a party in there."

Mike asked from back in the studio "Don't you think this sport is a little one sided?"

"See some people thought so, which is why an activist group was out here earlier with boxes of laser rifles. They were planning to hand out the rifles to the velociraptors so the raptors could defend themselves. Strangely enough, they haven't returned either."

Mike cut in "No, it was already in the favor of the raptors, now they're potentially armed with laser rifles."

Elwood smiled. "I'm sure there's nothing to be concerned with."

Mike pointed at the monitor he was watching Elwood on. "Wait isn't that a raptor sticking its head out of the forest behind you?"

"What, where?" Before he could turn around, Elwood was hit by a laser pulse in the back. The raptor then took aim at the camera firing again. The camera signal was replaced by static.

All Mike could respond was "Uh OK, we're having some technical difficulty. As soon as we can re-establish a connection, we'll have the rest of the report from Elwood. ".

Killtron 5000 added "ELWOOD HAS BEEN TERMINATED........ENGAGING LAUGH SEQUENCE...... HA HA HA.......HA HA HA....HA HA HA... LAUGH SEQUENCE TERMINATED..............LIKE YOUR MOM.........
ENGAGING LAUGH SEQUENCE...... HA HA HA.......HA HA HA....HA HA HA... LAUGH SEQUENCE TERMINATED..........LIKE ALL LIFE SHOULD BE"

"You leave mom out of this. Concerning business news, the local university IT department has accepted a merger with a company called the Galactic Empire for a collaborative project called the PBU Initiative. More on this story, we have remote correspondent ... actually I don't remember his name. He's expendable and probably not going to last the next set of layoffs. Since he is pretty much unimportant, I'll call him Ed. Ed what's the story."

"My name is Travis. You know I can hear everything you're saying. I have feelings to, and the economy can turn around any day now. I should be just as much a valued member of.."

Mike cut in "Yeah, how about less 'wah wah wah' and more story Ed"

Travis got really flustered. "It's Travis. I'm here at the university talking with Zane, a member of the IT department involved in the merger. Tell us how all of this affecting you and your job."

"Well for starters, the Galactic Empire offers just an excellent health care benefits package, significantly more awesome then the one the university was offering. We're allowed to do obviously unsafe things and still be covered if we get hurt."

Travis continued "And can you say anything about this initiative that you'll be assisting with, PB and J or something?"

Zane nodded at Travis. "Yeah its actually PBU and we're working on developing the IT infrastructure for a giant planet destroying satellite that will float around the galaxy, well destroying planets. I've been assigned to the help desk call center for the Planet Blower Upper. And where as answering phone calls usually isn't very much fun, I anticipate the number of customers calling in to say that their planet hasn't been blown up properly are hopefully going to be minimal."

"Aren't you worried about the ethics of destroying life on planet after planet as you travel the galaxy in your ultimate weapon?" Travis asked next.

Zane smiled. "For that question, I'll have to yield to my supervisor. Emperor?"

The emperor walked over to where Zane and Travis were standing. "Answer me this first, news person, are you paid by the hour?"

Travis answered "Yes, I don't see how that's relevant."

The emperor smiled. "Heh...heh...heh, young apprentice Darth Zane, Strike Him Down! Heh...heh...heh!" Travis dropped his mic and started to run away. Zane activated his energy saber and gave chase. The emperor turned towards the camera. "Back to you...heh...heh...heh." He then zapped the camera with lightening from his fingers dropping the signal to all static."

Mike added "Thanks Ed for that great story. We look forward to seeing how this merger will pan out. I think that about does it for news around here. Killtron, have you got anything else to add?"

"KILLTRON MUST DESTROY RAPTORS!"

Mike chuckled. "You need a license to hunt those things."

"KILLTRON HAS LICENSE ALREADY. LEAVING NOW, TRANSMISSION TERMINATED!" Killtron then fired it's eye laser beams at the main camera ending the broadcast.